My mom was horrible.. she let men abuse me and my sister.. she blamed me for it.. she blamed me for being sad.. my mom died from covid recently. And we found out after that me and my sister had different fathers.. that my mom didn’t want to keep me because I was born from a guy she didn’t wanna be with.. she gave me away for awhile but took me back so no one would find out about her cheating .. she hid my sisters father from her for 23 years.. he died 9 months before my mom.. she didn’t even get to have her father because of my mother’s secrets.. my therapist says I have complex long term ptsd. I’m trauma bonded to my mother. It’s like codependency and Stockholm syndrome combines with ptsd. My mother was a manipulator. So the scientific side of it from what I know so far after being diagnosed. It’s when you grow up so horribly that the spouts of joy you receive from their manipulation tricks causes it to flood the brain and that it causes and addiction worse than drugs. You unconsciously put yourself around people who do the same abuse because your brain is trained that after the horrible you get a drug high of joy even when it’s not real. I’m trauma bonded to my mother.. and I keep thinking about the good times. She made me enchiladas for my birthday every single year from scratch. We took road trips. We watched movies every night together after work. She would let me teach her about video games but would never play. She did it to have a connection. I keep trying to go over every memory to figure out what was manipulative. I have so little good memories of her.. and those memories make this pain of missing her so strong… but then anger wins.. I didn’t get a childhood. I didn’t get cartoons and park visits and play dates and sleep overs.. I got hit.. yelled at.. locked in rooms. Molested. Destroyed. I grew up so fast… I didn’t have time to stop and smell the daisies… but the good memories.. it’s the only ones I have… out of all the bad those good ones gave me joy.. for so long they brought me comfort.. being able to think of her laugh.. her smile.. her hugs.. her singing.. her cooking… they brought me hope for the world.. like how can you smile through all the struggles? I looked up to it.. but I find out it wasn’t real. Kept me out of self preservation and then abused me my whole life to cover it up. To hide her guilt and shame. Three years… three years sense I got help. I got help for the damage you caused me.. three years before we could spend time together again. I started trusting you changed. But then you didn’t… you used me for money.. to go party… to catch covid and die.. I payed for your risky fun without even knowing it.. you made me and my sister grow up too fast again.. YOU MADE MY 4 YEAR ILD NEPHEW GROW UP TOO FAST!!! You caused a hole in the entire family because you manipulated us into needing you for our joy that NONE OF US KNOW HOW TO LIVE! NO ONE GETS ALONG ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU ARENT THERE NOONE IS OKAY BECAUSE YOU WAS SELFISH FOR SO MANY F****** YEARS! How do I help my sister? How do I dig myself out of this sink hole that falls deeper than my biggest demons I already fought 20 years to get away from… how do I heal from the lies… how do I stop being afraid of a world I know nothing about? All the hope I had.. it was lies… all the good memories.. was lies… how do I trust anyone if all I feel is fear of it happening again? How do I better myself knowing that I really had no idea how worthless I was in your eyes when you made my brain only focus on how you viewed me? I’m in so much pain.. and I can’t talk to my family. I can’t talk to my friends. Because no one is okay.. you made us not okay…