I’ve been abused a large portion of my life. Dealing with mental health issues, suffering a lot, and dealing with being abandoned by family members. Anyway a suddenly new and tragic event has somehow occurred randomly again. Well many. I was molested by my father and abandoned by family as previously stated. Anyway. Now I’m starting to experience touch delusions. At least I think. I get so angry with God. No matter how I prayed it never stopped. Ever. It is incessant and only grew in discomfort and distress. Anyway. As I type this I am trying to find a real God but to be honest, I don’t know if I want to meet one. I honestly don’t want to know what God would just sit back and watch his child that has endured, struggled, faced so many cruel and usual forms of abuse. S*****, mental, emotional. I’ve blasphemed before. I’ve had strong urges to hurt myself and other people. I’ve tried to kill myself with a juul my mind was so exhausted, shocked, and hurt that I could only think of hurting myself with something in the hopes of dying. I’ve prayed for death before. In the short moments of joy that I love and experience, I at least know men and can get attention them fairly easily if I try which is kind of interesting. You know. Something at least. Right? Anyway I’ve prayed so much and am on the second time I’ve encountered something claiming to be God. I’d like to think that it’s punishment for my sins, or at least have some form of rationalization. I’m exhausted. It feels and seems as though I’m being tortured. It feels like it. I frequently find myself unable to breathe properly and have recently spending been days, sometimes 2, being so scarred, depressed, psychologically wounded that I act like a completely different person. Sometimes there are urges in me to be grateful for what I have and I am but I know that at the end of the day, I will try to kill myself with a juul again.