I hate you. And I hate that I can’t get you out of my mind. No matter how hard I try. No matter how far down I push those memories you’re still there. Your face is blurry but I can still make out your shape, your appearance and most importantly your touch. Whenever I feel rough callously hands I’m instantly reminded of you. I can’t breathe and I freeze because I’m a pathetic human being. I was so weak at the time that I couldn’t stand up to you. But I’ve changed I’ve changed so much from when you first met me in that s***** daycare yet I still feel like that weak little kid you took advantage of. Why I let you do the things you did why I let you call me your gf and why I let you do that stupid spin the bottle I have no clue. Maybe it’s because you were the first and only person I was truly afraid of. I believed every word you said. It shook me deep to my core. I can’t even be held close anymore. Affection, closeness, f*** that it all feels uncomfortable restless and sickening thanks to you. I will never forgive you. You ruined me. Yet in ways I should thank you for making me stronger in turn you’ve just made my heart cold. You’ve made me feel grateful for the bare minimum. But finally for once I found someone good. I never got to be a kid because of you. You gave me a harsh reality check J. I wish I could see u one more time just to give you a fraction of the pain I went through and still go through. It hurts everyday. I hate that you made me so inferior.