sometimes i still miss her. her smile. oh, how much i liked her. those brown eyes that shined every moment she sneaked a glance at me, that messy hair which i always loved, the one she always hated. the smiles she gave me which felt special to me and only me.
how foolish i was, to fall for a lie. to think that those smiles were reserved for me, and nobody else. and oh, how my heart ached when i saw her do the same for others. oh, how she tugged and tugged until it was torn apart.
oh, how much it hurt to know she couldn’t feel the same. how much it hurt to know she felt that way for another. it’s true, what they say. love is blind sometimes. this time, i had been the entertainment for the day; and fell right in for her grins and laughter.
if only she knew, how much i liked her. how much i would’ve done almost anything for her. how miniscule my worst fears seemed when i was with her, if only. if only is what remains in my mind.
if only we didn’t part. if only i hadn’t fallen for her, if only she felt the same adoration i did whenever i looked into her eyes, whenever i held her hand. if only. but, not all things are meant to be.
how it hurt, the next day to see her glance away. to watch those eyes that always shined with a special gleam, turn away from my very existence. it felt as if i had been forsaken, yet she looked and looked away.
not a greeting sent to me. not one word, was said to me. yet her laughter resounded across the room for everyone to hear (it wasn’t mine, after all. how foolish i was to think it could be) and in that moment, my heart ached once more.
and oh, how i miss everything. the feel of her hand in mine, wrapped around tightly. the warmth that filled my chest whenever i could see her beauty, how much i had been a fool. how much i fell for those kind words, said to me so carelessly.
how much i fell for her, even when everything was torn apart. even when her eyes never met mine, even when her hand remained calm and at bay. even when her laughter still was heard and her smiles were still there. even when her messy hair was still something she hated, even when i realized that i wasn’t special to her.
i only fell and fell more into the downwards spiral that was her. every little thing, i was infatuated with. how I’d roll in bed, too excited to put anything in words, too content with just being by her side. too content with the way things were, and the moment that comfort was ripped away, my heart shattered once more.
maybe it hurt. it hurt to feel her stare as I walked away, or that glare when i sat down. it hurt to think of her despising me, when all i had ever done was simply accept her as she was, loving every part of her. it hurt to think of everything meaning nothing, even though i knew there was no way it could mean anything else.
it hurt and it hurt, and now, i won’t get to see her again. i won’t get to see the person i fell in love with, only what remains. our memories together have long since been forgotten, and two strangers are all that there is.
oh, and maybe in another world, maybe somewhere where i hadn’t been such a coward, i wouldn’t have let her slip away from me. I’d have been honest with how i feel, would have been honest with her when everyone else wasn’t. and maybe she’d find she’d fallen for me too, maybe she saw the same warmth whenever she held my hands.
but, this isn’t another world. this is how everything ended, how our story was finished. there isn’t anything left to mend, for her eyes still stare at me with a seething hatred, and her heart loathes me to the end of the world and back.
it’s calmness that engulfs me at the thought, though. acceptance at how things were, at how things are. it’s the knowledge that we weren’t ever meant to be, that nothing can be changed. that the way she looks at me could never be of more than a friend, but now, i have steered her even further away.
and it’s sad. my chest which used to be filled with such warmth is now filled with only bitterness, bitter at the world for not allowing my love, bitter at her for leaving once again. yet, that’s how it is. it’s bitter, yet also sweet. the memories still come up, and a trip to the past is what is delivered so delightfully to my soul.
but, my heart will ache once again when i see her face. it will be bruised more and more when i think of the feel of her hand and skin against mine, it will be torn and tugged at when i think of her smile and beautiful brown eyes. and maybe, some day, it won’t burn but it shall hurt, for hurt is the only thing it knows of her.