This isn’t going to make much sense, but i need someone to hear it without worrying about overburdening them. This post is going to mention suicide and depression.
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Getting bad isn’t even begining to explain it. I’m so severely under the water. I am drowning. I don’t even know how to help myself. Well, i do. But i don’t have the energy. It’s not even that. I’ve been thinking about dying again: Jumping out of a car is still a favorite. I’ve day dreamed that someone would rob a store and I’d be there. I’ve imagined running up to the gunman, grabbing the barrel and putting it to my skull. I’ve imagined screaming at them to just shoot me, to just do it. But… I’m a black hole. My soul has collapsed in on itself, created a blackhole that s**** in all the light needed to see how bad it really is. So everyone assumes I’m as depressed as I’ve always been, normal for a young adult is what they say. But… when I’m alone i know that isn’t true. Ive imagined killing myself, killing the thing that everyone sees and expects of me. It has my face, the physical one at least. And i imagine taking a baseball to it until i show them what their expectations mean to me. I want to die. I just can’t get past the guilt of doing it myself. Someone, please kill me so my little sister doesn’t follow me. I want them to grow up and do amazing things. They can’t follow me.
