The pain of living on SSI all of my life has become crippling. Growing up with Severe Asthma and allergies to major depressive disorder, persistent depressive disorder. the take a pill shuffle came to a head and i became suicidal. The doctors wanted to, you guessed it, try another pill! I went for TMS treatment and it started to work towards the end. Then I slid back into the state I am in now. I hate depending on the system, I hate getting all excited about education and training and doing nothing with it for fear of the cliff effect and or not being able to make enough money to live off. My rent alone will be $1,100, then other bills like oil for heat and hot water, and lights. Clothing costs, well I rarely buy clothes. I get a little over $800 per month from SSI/SSP and food stamps. I have worked but not full time or for pay higher than $11.00. I through myself into trainings and other educational endeavors in an attempt to push my way through. I am tired of pushing to get nowhere! Getting a job means I get ONE MONTH until I pay full market rent, fuel assistance then lowers, utility bill discounts get taken away soon after and I’m left with no savings nothing to safe-guard me from becoming homeless. Oh, well I can go to all these Community action centers but most of them can’t help me get enough time to establish myself at a job or find one that pays enough money to live on. I have all these ideas and get so depressed I don’t follow through. I experienced the very thing I am talking about when I worked part time. I reported my income, took my medication and the work environment was not healthy for me mentally. I had to quit one job and was fired from another because I had a mental breakdown. I want freedom from this and am trying TMS again and my doctor even mentioned stronger mental stimulation if this second time doesn’t help. I am obese, been diagnosed with binge eating disorder and anxiety. I am highly intelligent and articulate really well. I can tell you about me and things I have learned about myself but can’t seem to fix myself. I try to be consistent to no avail. I go out for a walk one day and struggle to do anything the next day. I tell myself positive things and try to focus on the moment and well that doesn’t last very long because that old record keeps playing and I can’t seem to shut it off! failure, why are you in school again, losesr? You aren’t going to get a job so why bother? Who is going to hire you with gaps in your employment and 56 years old? The dream of being a writer seems far fetched although I have writings and have been complimented on some of my works. I don’t understand how it all went so wrong. I can’t breathe!I have searched for solutions DBT IFS EMDR Psychotherapy Psychiatry! uhggh.
