To Nicole in Denver.
I really just need to get some things out, like therapy I suppose. I keep hanging onto some of our conversations and it’s not healthy. I’m not praying you see this, this is more an open letter so I can vent and hopefully get it out of my system. I’m not even really angry with you after all this time, more angry with myself back then, and probably some residual anger at myself since I can’t stop re-thinking about these things every few months. In a way I apologize in advance if you see this, since it’s probably hurtful in some ways, and that’s not my intention. Again, it’s for myself and not really for you.
You kept asking about Kelly and me. Despite my refusal to answer your more personal questions, you wouldn’t drop it. Despite my saying I don’t discuss such matters, you kept bringing it up. I should have made it abundantly clear, stop asking, stop bringing it up. I didn’t, I stuck with the responses that didn’t completely put an end to it. Eventually you made some comment about thinking I could stand to be more open, and I told you what you wanted to hear (a lie at that moment, though you refused to accept the truth). Not thrilled that I caved, less thrilled that I lied about it, and even less thrilled that I didn’t unequivocally stop it before I did. And the meaner part of me wishes I’d said “I think you could stand to mind your own f’ing business. I think you could stand to respect someone’s privacy.” Wouldn’t necessarily have been the right approach though. But that meaner side is in me. And I can accept that it’s there.
Some time later you criticized my reasons for wanting to drop weight. I felt that any reason is fine, if it gets the job done. I still feel that about things- if someone does their day’s work because they need the paycheck, or because they really love it, or any other number of reasons, it gets the job done. End of story. You called my reasons sad. I stopped responding at that time, until you later apologized. Even with the apology, I keep going back to that conversation. I honestly don’t know the most appropriate and non-hurtful response. Again, the meaner side of me pipes up. “Well I’m sorry I’m not living MY life by YOUR standards. The next time I need to make a choice I’ll ask what Nicole would do because I’m clearly not capable of figuring it out myself.” Not a good response, but a part of me would want to run with it.
Finally the conversation, that led to the blowout that ended our friendship. Something had been eating at me and I didn’t want to discuss it. Because sometimes I need to talk to people about my problems, but sometimes it’s best for me to work things out myself. I’ve done it plenty of times and I have no doubt that I’ll do it again. Simply who I am, and it works. You kept trying to get me to talk and I kept refusing. One morning you said that you didn’t think you could be friends with someone who couldn’t be open with you. And I caved again. And over the next few days things got worse. One or two weeks later we couldn’t keep being friends. What’s done is done, and it seems clear that it wasn’t a friendship that would last forever because had I kept my mouth shut it would have eventually gone the same way. But I have to say that I was open with you about dozens of things, maybe a hundred things, things that I don’t usually tell people until they’ve known me for at least a year or two. And if you can’t respect that sometimes I process things best by keeping my cards close to my chest then do what you have to do. I figure we’d have the same end result regardless of which way the conversation went. But I really betrayed myself by caving in that last time.
Here’s to hoping getting this out in the ether of the internet gets this off my mind a bit more often. If you ever do see this, I hope you’re doing well, that you’re happy and getting the most out of your life.
