“Life is a gift”, some people say. “It is a beautiful adventure, a journey, you ‘should’ enjoy it”. I’ve failed miserably at enjoying it. In matter of fact, I stopped enjoying my life when I turned 8. My childhood is foggy, but the memories I have aren’t happy. To be more clear the happiness was surface leveled. I was only happy when I got praised as a child or given a gift. I had and I still have a trouble enjoying anything. Even the surface leveled happiness lasts very short leaving me feeling empty and inhuman.I lacked the childish enthusiasm. After my grandmother passed away a something in me switched. I wasn’t close with my parents. They always favoured my sister. She is their sunshine. I wasn’t. She gets away with almost everything. Me? I was treated like an adult when I was only a child. I had an extreme fear of closed dark places,every one in my family knows about it. It was such a huge fear to a level I would scream, get into a panic attack till I couldn’t breath and pass out, I would even start hallucinating about being attacked and living the hallucination and being trapped in it. I remember once forgetting to do my homework when I was 6 or 7,my parents decided that the best punishment I could get is being locked in a dark room. What a lovely way to treat you child. Fast forward to now. My mental health health is declining at the speed of ligt. I tried suiciding many times over the las 2 years, I ran away, I am struggling with self harm and ED. My parents just play it of as being dramatic and attention seeking. But if I don’t do exactly as my sister says, she bursts out in tears and the I’m im a huge trouble. Because I dared made her slightly sad. Do you still think that I should enjoy my life. F*** this s***.If suicide is my only way out of this excruciating painful excuse of a life then I’m out.
P.s
This is a mess
