Depression is a horrible, scary thing. To me, the worst part is when you start not caring about anything. Yourself, your job, the entire world around you. The scariest part though is right before you stop caring entirely, where you still care a little bit. That’s horrible because for the most part, you don’t care so you just put the smallest bit of effort into everything. But you still care enough that, when you screw up, it hurts like hell because you know you could have done so much better. So you’re stuck between not giving a s*** and caring too much at the same time. Really, the only hope you have is to kill that last shred of caring and go full ‘F*** everything’ mode. It’s the only way to keep some sense of sanity and not want to kill yoruself over every little f*** up. The biggest problem is I’m scared to kill off that last bit of hope. If I do, will I still be who I am now, or will I change completely? Will I even still want to be around? Or will I just say F*** it and just end everything? That’s the only reason I live with this pain still. Once my depression overrides my fear, who knows what will happen? I may be on my last legs here. I’m…scared to see where this is going to go. The worst part is making excuses because I don’t want people to worry about me. They don’t realize their concern actually brings me pain because I feel bad making them worry. So I have to force a smile and tell them I’m fine and try to be my upbeat self, or at least the self that they’re used to. The more they worry about me, the more pain it causes, causing them to worry more. It’s a vicious cycle. IT would be better for everyone if I just disappeared and let them get on with their lives.