To the black lady who was honest about racism: Your story truly touched my heart and soul. I am a cops daughter. My father is a retired NYPD cop. During

5 years

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To the black lady who was honest about racism:

Your story truly touched my heart and soul. I am a cops daughter. My father is a retired NYPD cop. During the 70’s (when he was a cop) he dealt with the worst of humanity. R*** and Murder and even dead children…thrown onto subway tracks. Killed.

He once had to tell a mother (a black woman) her child was dead. Killed on the subway tracks. (Age 6). The woman just laughed at my Dad. Laughed at him. I wish I could say that story had a happy ending. The best ending? Is my father, prays for that little girl, to this day. I know. A lot of atheists are alive and well. Most atheists? Never come face to face with a dead raped girl. They don’t have to knock on the door of that 19 year old girls fathers door. And then drive that dad to the morgue to ID his daughters body.

Yes, Racism is a alive in America. But so is prayer..and healing. Racism goes two ways. MANY black people, hate white people.

I recall walking thru walmart. 2 days before Christmas Day. In Pennsylvania ..I just was happy and feeling blessed. I guess i did the unthinkable. I SMILED at a black girl. That’s all i did. Smiled. She started yelling at me. Screaming more the word. I was shocked . Since that day, i avoid all eye contact and I avoid all black people. Because I’m scared of being attacked.

There is only ONE. Black lady…i happen to respect and like. she has always been kind to me. Sometimes I think….I’d like to invite her to my church. (But i don’t). I”m scared she would say no. Although there are other black people that come to my church. She wouldn’t be the only one. But we are in such a racial tension type of place in society I don’t want to do anything to upset my friendship with her.

Acting like a Gentleman or a Lady…isn’t a color issue. Being polite isn’t about color. Being kind isnt about color or religon. Its about being human. Something lacking in our entire world.

Trust me. I know plenty of WHITE guys….that are cruel. Plenty. they just hide it but are vicious in the shadows of life. My brother..(is a blonde). He used to be evil. He has changed as his children grew up. He grew a heart.

If a girl is just a little fat. There is NO ONE more cruel or vicious to her…than a white man. Not a black man, not even a black girl says anything. But put her in front of a white man? He is EXTREMELY hateful.

I should know. I have faced prejudices on that my entire life. But I also know, many white men are good. Not all are bad. (Just most are shallow). MOST black men? I have discovered have a heart. yes they can be violent. But don’t kid yourself. I was raped by WHITE men. Not a black man.

So I hope you know…not all white people….are “racist” ….some of us are just scared of black people. If they were kinder ….I’d invite them to my home. I just wish they were not soooo angry.

My dad? Was a VERY violent man. he has mellowed. But he carried his job….at home. I was the most defiant of the kids. YES…i took the brunt of his anger. yes he drank…to forget the murders and r**** and suicides he would be called to. He is still alive, by some miracle of God. …he stopped drinking and smoking. He is an old man now…but Kind to all people. Yes. Even the blacks that hate cops. My dad still is kind. I pray my dad has found forgiveness from god, and even from the perpetrators….that would threaten him..to kill his family. (Its why we had an unlisted number my entire life)

But i truly hope and pray you have found peace in your own life. You are educated. I envy you. You must be strong. To have survived the things you did as a child. I hope you have found a proud spirit in your own strength. Color is irrelevant. ….but your SPIRIT? Isn’t. Its…everything that makes you….YOU.

New Confession

i injected ketamine into my right deltoid and realized i had no water to drink. by the time i was in the kitchen i was dissociated as hell trying to remind myself im a person in a kitchen trying to get ice cubes and filtered water into my tumbler

it hit much much harder than it did when i tried it in my vastus lateralis. i injected nearly 80mg which is over 1mg/kg for me. im still feeling it a little. apparently the comedown is longer than IV but way less than IN. its 3am now and i have some powder and some sterile solution left in the vial to inject into my vein. ive been trying to get the out of body ketamine experience during my trips but still havent gotten there during my last few for a while now even with needles involved. i was a little closer tonight though, without overwhelming my system or anesthetizing myself

i usually take it once every few months or so. i take medication with a needle every week so im used to them but not used to plunging the bigger thicker ones down deep into my muscle like that. the painful pressure feeling is hard to get used to. and the deep ache that lingers for a few days. i got a little sweaty and lightheaded seeing and feeling an inch of stainless steel sink into my body. there’s that animal instinct part of me that doesn’t want to shove metal into myself and cringes at what im doing but another part too that finds fascination in the sensation and resistance to the needle in the different layers of tissue.

i’ve found it fun and interesting to experiment with all the ways of administering this drug and learning more about my body along the way. exactly where the arteries run down my arms or where major nerves might be hiding.

i dont really have something to finish this off with. it was fun, painful, and interesting. the comedown for IM seems to be 2-3 hours long so far. i stayed up very late to do this. i may augment with nitrous next time.

-108

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