I feel so alone. I am sooooo lonely…I was raped. I hate being in that “club” of women. I hate it. I want to be whole and healed. I want to make love. (But i don’t) if that makes sense. I just wish i knew a way of healing. Its been years…since i have been touched…or dated anyone. I am like a thorny rose. No one can truly get near me. I run away. I hate it. I just wish life were not sooo hard. Sometimes i wish he had killed me. I’m not alive. i feel dead inside. I miss the dreams and hopes..i used to have when I was a young woman. But they all died….my dreams…of a happy ever after is pretty much gone and dead. I can’t have children now. that dream is dead. I have never been married. I’m 50+ , and I’m a broken shell of a woman of the girl that was once…friendly..and happy. I used to be pretty. I used to have dreams and hopes. I began my life at Penn State College….but the r***…destroyed my mind.
I guess i am not strong enough…i lost my sanity…truly after that event. Now i am ashamed…and embarrassed. I’d rather let someone think I’m “crazy” than tell anyone ….I didn’t fight back . I just….didn’t fight. I can’t forgive myself. I laid there….in agaonizing pain…and just cried. I froze. I just ….froze in time. I didn’t do anything. I was paralyzed. I didn’t speak. I literally…couldn’t fight…or speak. He laughed. I can’t get his…..creepy smile…out of my mind.
I miss the dreams….of being Snow White. Or Cinderella. But those girls….found a prince. I found ….evil.
