• 2 weeks ago

I’m afraid to fall in love.
I want the cuddling. I want the hugging. I want the sweet silent moments with one another where we can just enjoy each other’s company without saying a word. I want to hold hands while we walk down the road. I want all the beautiful precious moments. But I don’t want to fall in love or more specially I don’t want to break up. I don’t think I can handle the pain of splitting up, especially after marriage, especially after having children together.
My parents aren’t together right now. They split up one week before Covid hit and it’s made me rethink my whole idea of love. It’s made me afraid to get close to someone and have them leave me like my dad is leaving my mom. They never showed how much they were struggling with one another. They never told us about their pain so whenever my dad told me and my siblings the bad news, it hit like a bullet. Never in a million years did I think that my parents would split. I really thought they were that fairytale couple who were living their happily ever after. I still find it difficult to accept now. My dad has yet to sign the official documents for divorce so my friends like to say that it’s not over yet but I’m loosing hope. I really am. I can’t stand the thought of my dad loving another woman. I can’t stand the thought of having a half brother or sister. I think I might understand if one of my parents had passed away and the other was just moving on but it’s not like that. Every time my mom sees him, enormous tears well up in her eyes and they trigger mine because I love her so much and to see her in so much pain, physically hurts. It makes me furious at my dad. He didn’t try everything he could to keep this family together. He fucking gave up. I always thought he had much tougher skin than my mom but now I can see, it’s the opposite.
I’m afraid it’s gonna happen to me. I’m afraid my future spouse is going to give up on me, leave me all alone. If we have children and we split. I won’t be able to take it. The pain of a parent’s divorce is too much for any child to handle. I know too well.