Hi guys so umhh
Im the one that confessed about me having a crush on my childhood friend lol and i have another thing to say

I feel like I want to kill myself.
Not only now but every day every minute I’m getting reminded that I am not a good person at all.
I had anxiety issues, well it started last year sonewhere around Christmas. After a while I thought it was fine again but 2 months ago I realized it came back but with something worse. I have depression. I guess it is because of my parents because the anxiety issues have been resulted from my parents. They have started restrictions that are only for me and not for my 3 siblings. I have started feeling like my parents hate me and I’m sure they do. My parents are always mad at me and that for many small issues but they never shout at my siblings for that same fault unlike how they do with me. They always find faults but always are cheerful in front of my elder sisters. People might say that they just get mad at you for them to discipline and make wrong right but no they are just scaring me. I was always a cheerful person but since this I am scared to talk. I am scared to move. I am scared of judgement i am scared of the people I care about. I am scared of myself.

My mom always says things like look at me sickly and you keep on stressing me. I hate myself . I loathe myself already.

Sometimes they slap me qhen i anger them and that just by being clueless or not being able to talk fluently. But i am scared to talk so i started to stutter in front of my family. I get sick often but my mom blames me for being sick they blame me without knowing everything. They blame me for not being able to be a person.
My mom started calling me ugly. An i know i am. I am underweight and i hate my body for this. Even if i try to gain weight it never happens i cant eat properly without being scared to eat or being nauseous when i eat. I am scared of my body.

Even though I want to die I dont want to have a sickness that can make my family sick too. And some days ago my mom said that i might get Covid 19. I admit when i heard that i kinda just wanted to kill myself. I tried to hide the tears. Then they left the house to get groceries so i cried. A long time.

I am scared to be the one making them sick

I feel like, im not allowed to live cuz i am a bother to everyone around me im scared to talk to my friends. Because i would just be selfish and egoistic just like my dad said.

I would rather suffer and die alone than dying and bringing someone with me. I am scared of myself being sick.

My parents keep on being mad at me for being in my room. They are mad at me for being in their presence.
They are mad at me for being near them just as they say I’m annoying them hahhahah.
And i know i know too well that i am.

Im not allowed to be in my brothers room.so im only allowed to be in the hallway.
I was left without privacy. So ko crying till im alone
But i cant even crx when im at mx room at night since my cousin sleeps in my room.

I wanna kill myself

I tried to choke me ones.
I have the temptations to grab a kitchen knife and stab me every day. Every second.

Though im scared to do so because my parents would just say that im an embarassment bcause i am a drama queen of killing myself bc of these small reasons.

I dont want them to judge me…
Tho they do already…every day
Every time they see me.

Niw peiple who would read this would think that kid is too young she doesn’t know how a parent feels like.
So yes i dont
But i do know that i desire love other than this love.
So is it too much to want something else to want to vanish and die without them knowing?

Just as much as i want them to know i cant tell them.

I just desire to have peace, privacy, freedom, and love. None other.