After all this time, how can you still set me off so easily with just a sentence? I’ve been tearing into myself since yesterday over your true colors remark. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to f****** die. Theres nothing I can do to fix this situation. You are never going to be anything more than a painful memory to me. I will never be able to undo the things I did. You will never be able to forgive me or trust me again. But my heart refuses to give you up. How could I fall so hard and so fast for you? Why has the passage of time done nothing to numb the heartbreak? I just want to f****** die. I’m defective. I shouldn’t still love you. I cant talk to anyone. My friends and family, my therapists, they all tell me the same thing. They tell me I need to get over you, that I deserve better, that it makes no sense to let you live rent free in my head when you have clearly moved on. But I cant stop, so I just keep it inside now. I wish I could talk to you one last time, but I know damn well that it wouldn’t be enough. You’re not looking back, why can’t I look forward? Why do you mean so much to me still? Why can’t I heal? Will I always grieve your loss, forever? The passage of time has only made the flame grow hotter, why does it hurt more now than it did before. Is death the only reprieve from this madness? What a freak you must think me, to harbor such hopeless, deep feelings still when you can scarecly remember a time when you didn’t want to be rid of me. I’m sorry I love you more than I should. I’m so pathetic. All I wanted was to feel something other than anger, but this paralysing sadness is not what I meant.
