I’m tired. Tired of life. Tired of the monotony. In hindsight, everything seems alright. Graduating this spring with two degrees, doable amount of debt,

6 years

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I’m tired. Tired of life. Tired of the monotony. In hindsight, everything seems alright. Graduating this spring with two degrees, doable amount of debt, surrounded by family, etc. yet I wake up and I am frustrated. I feel stuck. Stuck in this world of pretend. Everyday I need to be this person I have been for the 21 years of my existence, but is this who I am? Is this who I want to be? Is this life? Am I truly destined to simply graduate and work at some useless job with the end goal of retirement?

I am tired of school. I’m tired of having to do things so that when someone looks at my resume they can be entertained… i. I don’t care what people think of me… I just want to be happy.

But I’m stuck in this role. Stuck living at my parents home because my pragmatic mind cannot find a valid reason to move out when I still have 20000 worth of loans to pay. I’m stuck in this town made up of superficial individuals.

What I want is simple. I want to wake up and depend only on myself. I eat, leave, bathe, etc when I what. No temptations to stray from the goals that I desperately want: health, freedom and adventure. I want to look at my memories and be entertained. Intrigued. I want my memories to be my resume… I want to be the one I strive to impress. Because in the end… everyone will forget you. You are the sole person that will always care about yourself…

I want my depression and anxiety to disappear. I just want to do…Take action without the constant echo of pessimistic voices telling me I’m useless.. that my goals are unreachable.

I’m scared these things won’t happen. That I am truly stuck. I feel abnormal. I don’t like social media. I don’t have many friends. I have never had a relationship. I haven’t done anything with my life other than school and work…. ugh it’s so f***** sad.

Honestly I don’t care whether someone reads this or not. I just want to write it down… my thoughts. It’s infuriating me that I’m feeling so hopeless. So lost. Perhaps all I need are guts. Guts to stray from the conformity I am so well accustomed to.

Peace.

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The oven will be overflowing with creampies tonight. Always love when that’s on the dessert menu.

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