a guy Xander Tillou molested me when I was 9 or 10 years old, it is all such a blurry time it is hard to remember. I shouldered the blame for a long time because he was only a little older than me so I didn’t think it would be fair to blame him, but he was my friends older brother and I was always trying to seem cool and mature. It led to me being insecure in and overcompensating in my masculinity for a time, confessing to a close friend and saying if we saw the guy we would fight him. I am past that now. I don’t want to do anything like that. But my lasting pain is in the worse situations I put myself in because of the emotional trauma afterwords. I felt so gross afterwords and the next morning he had gone all hostile toward me as soon as he saw the look in my eyes that I didn’t feel good about what happened. I can only hope he didn’t grow to be someone who did worse things and instead learned. I have realized how complicated theses things are to solve, there is no proper system to help the traumatized and teach those who coerce people.