English isn’t my first language but I’m pretty sure you’ll understand. This is a true and a rather complicated story, actually a rant.

Namely, I’m a 23-year-old female, my boyfriend is 23 and suicidal; he also has some other mental health issues like self-harm. My parents won’t let me date him, although we’ve been together for two years now (excluding the breakup period and the time we spent together as friends before we started dating). We met in college – we used to sing in our university choir and I really felt an unusual connection with him. We were both into anime, we used to listen to the same music, our writing styles are almost identical and we are both introverted people. Of course, back then I wasn’t aware of his health issues. He’s much taller than me, not a particularly handsome guy and he’s actually poor but has a good heart. He was the first boy I kissed, and vice versa. I lost my virginity to him fairly recently. I had two other boyfriends after him and yet something made me come back. Since the breakup he’s been drinking this medicine called clonazepam. I’m not really educated on that subject, but it’s possible that he has some sort of epilepsy or seizure disorder because he tends to phase out and lower himself to the ground quite often. His mother died when he was 15 and it left a big impact on his mental health. His grandmother passed away not a long time ago, and he lives with his father and younger brother in a village far away.

Anyway, we had a date in my hometown. (Back when we used to go to college, we made out and had oral s** on the roof of my building, as well as in my storage room. He had problems with erection so we didn’t sleep together at that time, it was also kinda early. We weren’t able to see each other very often and when we were, I was on my period; we also had no birth control so we didn’t want to take any risks.) Anyway, we went to the forest park the other day. We had s** for the first time ever and it felt great, except the fact that he could hardly get it up. So I laid on top of him. I could feel him finally enter my p**** and it was wonderful, I moaned and screamed out of pleasure. At one point I looked up and saw a group of people watching us through the treetops. I think one woman might have recorded us on camera, that is to say me since my face was facing the camera. I could hear them speak my father’s name. Thankfully, up to date nobody has blackmailed me but obviously I was rather shocked and disturbed at that moment, and to make things worse, as we were leaving the place my boyfriend had an attack. He was afraid I was about to dump him and he tried to stop me on the street. He kept repeating that he was frustrated over and over. He wanted me to hug him. My mom gave him a glass of water when he was on my doorstep.

I’m also rather frustrated – in a s***** way, to be honest. I was brought up in a repressive household and my s***** needs are high. My mother makes me feel bad for wanting s**. I bought a morning-after pill and drank it right after s**, just to make sure I don’t get pregnant. The condom that we used had expired sometime in September last year, that’s when we meant to have s** but we broke up. He probably thought we wouldn’t go until the very end on our first new date. I bought another emergency contraception pill, in case we have s** again (not in this menstrual cycle). I can’t go to the gynecologist to get the regular contraceptive pill because it’s a COVID pandemic right now. My dad caught the coronavirus, we’re all in isolation and I’m typing this to get it off my chest. So basically, this morning-after pill is the only birth control I could obtain without a prescription. I know my boyfriend is clean and I’d like to have s** with him without a condom. My mom calls me a s*** and shames me for craving and having s**. I know it’s hard for her to accept the fact that her daughter has such a boyfriend. I had a mental breakdown yesterday and had to drink valerian drops to calm myself. It hurts me when she says such cruel words, even though I know she loves me very much. My parents are elderly people and they got me late, I’m their only child and I have had a privileged childhood. I’ve been an excellent student my whole life. However I don’t have many friends and as I mentioned earlier, I’m pretty much s******* frustrated and I’m afraid I might become promiscuous one day.

Thanks for taking your time to read this confession.