• 2 months ago

Jake, I feel beyond stupid writing this. I feel clingy I feel stupid, I feel embarassed. A part of me wants you to hurt, to feel the same as me just so i know that you care. It feels so stupid to have this much love towards a boy I’ve never met before but I can’t help but check for a message from you every day. I’ve been sat hoping that maybe you will show up one day. It’s been nearly 200 days since you left and at first I didn’t think anything of it. I assumed school had you busy or your parents were being strict again. But now I can’t help but think I pushed you away or something. Maybe I was too much for you. I shouldn’t have let myself get so attached to you. Our story is nerdy and probably cliche and my friends probably mock me behind my back but what they don’t know is, I can’t use my character anymore. It only feels right when I’m with you. How am I supposed to move on when I can’t even look at my character without breaking. You were so kind to me, you treated me so gently. You took my wants into everything you did. You made sure I was comfortable and loved. You made the love songs mean something again. I told you about my first mistake, my toxic ex that is. And you didn’t think of me any different. You listened and loved so kindly I’m certain I will never be held so gently again. I miss hearing your voice even though I have never heard it before. Your kind of love is a love that made me want to live again. I try to think that someone like you has loved me once, it can happen again I’m sure but I don’t know if i can. But now that you’re gone I don’t know who to text when I am proud of myself. I want to tell you how I’ve finally gotten a job. I want to tell you that I’m losing my battle with myself but I have no one to tell. But no matter how shitty I feel I will not leave because maybe just maybe you will come back and love me how you did the first time. I suppose I’m hoping that if I write enough and tell random websites my pain that maybe I’ll stop hurting. I miss you Jake. I miss you telling me about the songs you learned to play on guitar that day because even though you may not have felt it, I was so proud of you every time. Every time you mentioned a song my fingers sped to YouTube so quick because even though I’ve never seen your face, they made me feel like I didn’t need to cause when I listen to those songs I know that somewhere you too are listening. So please, come back.