I still am hurt about the one time my grandmother used a very dear, almost sacred (to me) stone that was carved like a flame as a doorstopper. It was scratched. Even though I tried to reason with myself, after that it lost its worth to me.
The thing is, it hurt me deeply that she thoughtlessly used smth so dear to me. And afterwards showed no ounce of understanding. My family, they really don’t get me – teenage utterancesone could say, but well, it is true. Still after all these years it is very much true. They don’t get my essence, I am different and feel not at home with them on a level my being would yearn to be seen. I know their behaviour and pet peeves and they know me when I am around them. But it’s very different to hiw I am the rest of the time.
I visitbas less as possible.
I miss familiarity/childhood cocoon and feel guilty but it does not work.
I feel madly isolated and defensive and worthless after a short Period of time.

I feel so disconnected to people.
I am trying to make connections where I can feel at home but most of the time it is not happening.
I can connect on a surface level even reveal deep stuff and talk about that and have a friendship, but I DON’T FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL IT!
I still feel disconnected.
I hide all the time even when I got so much better at bringing myself to the table.

I read and see so much about people doing things together, going on adventures, living together, doing projects together together together togethertogether togethertogethertogethertigethertogether
Why does that not work with me?
I have no chosen family, people I can go to at every time, people who will help me move, house me, etc.
I don’t know how to build myself a life that I wanna live (with other people I feel comfortable with.Comfortable Enough for being me)
I don’t know how to live a live worth living.