I feel so lost, so lonely and so consumed with the narrative of having had a hard life..that i write emails to my dead father to deal with it. i have so many friends who i love and always take care of, but i feel like i can’t talk to anyone about how i feel. i just wish someone really saw me. no one sees me. really sees me. it’s f****** infuriating , especially when i’ve spent SO much of my time just…being there for everyone around me. i think it’s f****** sad. i’m scared of dying alone. i’m scared that no one will ever love me. that no one will ever see me. I’m more than capable of taking care of myself , loving myself and showing up for myself every day.but you know what….no one should have to do that all the time. and i’d really love to mentally check the f*** out, but i can’t.
some days, i just feel like f****** killing myself. sometimes, i think i’m just waiting to die.