I’ve been suicidal again lately.
It feels a lot like 5 years ago, before my last attempt.

I’ve failed at what sustained my will to live, had to acknowledge that I’ve been holding on for it wasting money and time in hope to still be able to do it. But I didnt stand a chance to begin with.

Now I’ve been looking at things again. I don’t think I’ll try to pills again, and I wont try to slit my wrists. Both of those come with too high a cost in case i survive.

I wouldnt say that I am planning. I’m not really.
Still I looked up that decapitation via train should be a pretty 100% death chance.
I had never considered trains/cars/anything with other people before because I dont want to scar anyone with my selfish desire to stop existing

And yet I’ve remembered where on my routes freight trains drive by. Their speeds make me sick. I’ve been thinking about finding a place far enough away from the train stations to lie on the tracks and just get it over with. Perhaps it can be done without being seen by the conductor. It would save everyone some emotional trauma.

I’m not planning. But I am thinking about it a lot.

Even if I wanted to do pills we dont have enough at home. My medicine is made to be hard to overdose on.
We don’t have guns here.
I’m not a fan of choking, been there, takes too long. Awful and if not forced easy to go back from. And if forced a long and painful experience.
Slitting arteries is messy which I dont mind too much but it also takes too long. Wanting an instant death is obviously wishful thinking. If you slit your throat youd be dead soon enough.
Slitting your wrist takes longer but still efficient.
But I am a singer, and I draw. If I lost that due to a failed suicide attempt I’d honestly just go again.
Jumping is risky, not only because you do need to find a really high building to make sure you do die on impact with the floor, and then the fall is still awfully long.

So in conclusion.
Trains.

I’ve been stuck on it since seeing a video of a girl being decapitated by a train.
And before that even. In 1st grade they made an instructional lesson on traffic safety and as a warning took a milk canister.
Said:
Imagine this as your head

And had a bus drive over it.
The canister bursting is a memory incredibly memorable to me.
It might be the reason why in my suicidal high times I would cross busy streets without looking, hoping maybe something/ someone would hit me

They never did

Its been such a long time since then.

Funny how often therapist like using a certain line on trauma patients.

If you could go back in time what would you tell your young self?

And they expect a:

It gets better, I promise.

You will make it out.

You are so strong

But the very first thing that comes to mind for me is to tell myself to do a better job. My first suicide attempt was so so early in life. Had I ended it then it never wouldve come so far. All of this couldve been avoided.

It really wouldve been better that way