I don't know what it is maybe it's... I really don't know I feel so melodramatic, am I using that word right? I don't like myself. I don't like the life

6 years

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I don’t know what it is
maybe it’s… I really don’t know
I feel so melodramatic, am I using that word right?
I don’t like myself. I don’t like the life I’m living
I’m not suicidal, or maybe I am? I don’t know.
I’m not even 17 yet. I think it’s my body image.
I think it’s how I see myself. Or maybe not.
I won’t do anything about it though. I’m not overweight.
But I love fashion, and that sounds really stupid but I love all sorts of clothes.
But my body looks wrong wearing it. I run sometimes, I like running. It doesn’t do anything.
So I eat ice cream and it makes me feel like s***. It’s only 260 calories, but I mean. I think I’m eating what I’m supposed to eat. I vomited earlier. I just don’t like that It’s not 1700 or a little lower.

I’m supposed to go to China next year, due to a school program but,
I don’t know
I wish I was just diagnosed with something so I could be given medication to fix it
I feel foggy
and school is so hard
I feel stupid
maybe I am stupid
It feels like nobody cares- I mean, of course
my counselor doesn’t genuinely care but I think she’s tired of me
I’m tired of me
I wish it would go away
I wish I had a body I was happy with
I think my middle school counselor told my highschool counselor or left a note that she should just ignore my outbursts bcause ill end up being okay. i usually do
im tired of cutting myself
i get scared itll get infected or something
im ashamed of it anyway
i tried killing myself more than once. pathetically with pills that didn’t do anything to me
but i genuinely thought i was gonna die
I was scared but at peace with the thought
i want to give myself another tattoo instead
she just came in
she has good intentions
she doesnt want me to sleep all day
so she screams at me to go do something
anything
and get out of my room
I screamed at her the way I’ve learned to when i want anybody to leave me alone
i used to cut myself whenever i cried in front of her
now i use it against her
im tired im so tired
but maybe i’ll feel okay tomorrow
my feelings change very quickly very often
im sorry mom
i love you but i dont know what im feeling or how to fix it and im so tired

New Confession

Where in the fuc are we goin now?

wade garrett

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My wife knew i was a recovering s** addict when we dated, when we married, and knew that it stemmed from childhood maternal molestation many years ago. She knows i will not act out, that i love her too much to do that to her, and she knows to the degree any non s** addict can how exhausting the onslaught of compulsive intrusive s***** thoughts are. But she still rejects my sincere well motivated desire for surgical or chemical castration and i cannot understand why. We have a platonic relationship so it would be zero loss to either of us.