It f****** feels like s***. I HATE F****** COVID!!!

All I wanted was to go to uni, I just wanted to be a uni student and to achieve my goals and be a freaking something, be a somebody for once in my life, but f****** covid has made it almost impossible for me to even focus.

I keep loosing track of time as the days go by fast and the hours go faster, because I am in my house and uni is closed. Only allowed to go out to get food, have a hour of exercise and that is it!

Learning for me has just degraded and so has my grades drastically. I’ve been trying to keep up with the lectures and studies, but there isn’t a single thing to motivate me anymore. Being a uni student made me feel proud and in the first 3 weeks that I was actually at uni, I wanted to be my best, because man I was finally where I wanted to be and a place I could finally succeed. I was there in my dream course, I was the f****** happiest man alive at that time.

Now I am at home, and have lost all sense of uni pride, I don’t even feel like I’m a uni student anymore. I feel like I’m repeating high school all over again, staying up all nights for days on end without sleep because I can’t get a single thing done without getting distracted.

The support system is no help either, the queues are longer than when I came to the help sessions in real life and it doesn’t help much at all because it’s online. I just find things easier to understand in person, online doesn’t work for me and it’s the only thing available. This is especially true with my maths, for my computing stuff I can always search up YT and all like I usually do in my spare time, but for maths I need a real person in real life right there in front of me to teach me or I won’t understand it at all.

This whole thing with my grades and zero motivation has gotten me into another depression dive right now. I feel like I’ll have nothing in life because I’ve failed at this one thing, and that I might never find a way out of it. I’ve had this experience before last year, posted it here as well and was kinda suicidal but luckily only went to self harm because I can’t bear myself to do it at all. I just can’t cope with failure if it happens, because this time there is no safety net, there is no backline to help support me, I am the only layer. I just feel so weak and vulnerable right now.

I’ve been praying to God to help me cope with my emotions and help me to re-organise my life. However the feeling of failure just keep coming, day after day for each time I try to do my work.

This will probably make me self harm again, just to try to get rid of the emotional pain. Especially with exams coming up, I am freaking out and my mind is all over the place.

I just hope I can handle it if I fail, but I’m not sure.