i’m not feeling suicidal at the moment but i need to let this out so if anyone see this don’t be alarmed i’m fine. if i did lose this battle to depression i am sorry. just know that if i kept going without you here in my life it would’ve been worse. you gave me reason everyday when i didn’t have any. i know my family doesn’t think it’s that serious i think i do a good job hiding it especially on my bad days. my brother doesnt even know i have depression so i think that’s good. but it is more serious than anyone could really know. nobody knows what i’m really thinking or what i’m really feeling all the time. but i love and appreciate every single one of them. the small things done really do mean the world to me since i don’t get happy often. when my mom cleans my room or someone even tries to talk to me, someone brings me food or i watch law and order in the basement with my sister. there isn’t that much to life for me so when these things happen my world really does light up. and if i do lose this battle one day i’m glad you could be the last person i loved and the one i changed myself for. i know you aren’t here to see it and you’re scared of me hurting you again but i would need you to know how much i loved you and how hard i was trying right now to even have you back in my life for a day. i’d want you to know you were really the only one i wanted. it was always just you and i knew that always. i tried to make you feel special again so you could’ve had a better day than i did but i don’t think you liked it very much because you didn’t wanna take anything from me. who wants something from a bad person though no one. i try to be good i am good but you don’t believe that when i wish you did. so much of my love is only here for you or my family. you know i don’t have many people in my life. it was always you or my family and so i have the biggest heart when it comes to you. i’d do anything. you always begged me to let you go and i try for you because that’s all u wanted and as long as ur happy it doesn’t matter what’s wrong with me. i always think about how if you came back in my life willing to see i’m not here to hurt you i’d probably cry so hard because i just picture it and cry right now. maybe one day everyone will know how bad i was hurting, the things that made me happy and the things that made me sad, how i changed for you and did my best to prove it even though you wouldn’t change your mind for me anymore, how school was a big factor in it all, smoking was one of my only sources of happiness when you were gone, what i used to give myself a different pain instead of the same emotional s***. i wanted to go to morristown with you but i think i’m gonna go alone instead because you said i don’t deserve to go with you and just sit there with my airpods and cry to the songs that remind me of you. life is so exhausting i don’t know how people make it seem so beautiful when it’s not. sure a beach is beautiful and so is a sunset but it’s not something i’d stay for. i’m getting pretty tired probably about to fall asleep and then take a shower and hope when i open my phone once again i’ll get a text from you. a missed call. i don’t really like socials anymore idk i’m not on my phone as much because i deleted my apps so i’m just kind of here everyday. writing to myself on a website, hoping you’ll talk to me, thinking what else i can go put behind a bush, how im gonna distract myself, cleaning, laying with my dogs or watching netflix. i’m pretty bored and sad 24/7 but it’s okay. what i’m looking forward to most right now is probably going to morristown by myself. i like being alone sometimes but id be better with you. that’s all for now i needed to let things out and now i need a nap from the tears. i love everyone so much one day i’ll be at peace however i get there. for now i will be at peace with my nap
