still having my same bad days but today really sucked. i woke up in a really upsetting mood to just hear more upsetting things all day long. i thought i lost something but i found it and i’m trying not to use it but it’s been hard. this feels like an endless cycle of pain i genuinely cannot see past feeling this emotions ever. i don’t know how to describe how i feel but i wish i knew. maybe sad, hurting, angry, confused, hopeless, stuck, and i feel selfless for still being here for people who are gone, or people who don’t even seem to notice when i do get like this. and when i do get like this and i know they notice no one seems to care anyway. i’ve been alone for a while and it’s fine if bur it gets lonely. today i went in my snap for the first time in a while and i didn’t even like it and more of the fact that like damn lol no one really cared to check up on me. nobody checks on me. i’m not really as important as i thought i was too people and the past month or so really shows me that and i’m hurting from it. i lost everyone again. it happens every single year and i’m tired of the cycle. i don’t have it in me anymore to try and be happy. i don’t have the energy to distract myself because at the end of the day when i’m in bed i’m crying into my pillow i sit there and beg to be okay. when i’m happy it doesn’t real right. today i was eatinf and i just didn’t feel like i deserved to eat and i stopped. i try and sleep but only wake up. i push everyone away in hopes someone will care and love me enough to stay for me. but it’s always me here at the end of the day. i love everyone a lot but people expect too much from me and something is just life. to be here so u can be satisfied that i am here but what do i get? i get so much pain. and i don’t want to hear but there’s so much more to lofe this is temporary because i don’t care. and that can’t change because i simply don’t have the energy for it. i’m not fighting for it anymore i’m not fighting to get up and lay in my bed all day, to feel like i can’t eat, to talk to myself about why i’m crying because i don’t have it that bad. i’m just going to be here until the day something finally happens to me and someone will open their eyes and wish they told me they love me one more time. and i wish i could just have a hug right now while i’m crying and writing this because it makes me feel the most comforted. i try my best to show people i love them no matter what. i clean the house for my mom everyday when she’s at work, i started going into my brothers room to play fortnite with him, i ask my sister to go out and went on a hike with her , i brought you your favorite things regardless of everything that happened because i just miss you here, i check on my friends every single day and hope one day they’ll do it first. i try to be the best person i can be but it’s not enough for anyone not even myself. i just hope everyone’s okay. next month is my birthday and i don’t really have anyone to wish me one. i get my senior pictures done next week and don’t really have anyone to be proud of me other than my mom, dad and sister. my efforts for myself and everyone else is never good enough. i have to do this all alone. and nobody deserves to go through things alone i hope everyone knows their loved especially by me. every single person. and i care and i will tell u a thousand times i don’t care what happened, if you’re a stranger, if you make me angry, if u hurt me, if i love you if you make me happy everyone deserves to be happy and know they are loved and cared for no matter the circumstances. if i knew someone felt how i felt and i let them go on with their day i couldn’t handle it. people need a little bit of happiness and people need a hug. i am people. i’m tired of going through these hard times here. these are just thoughts just statements written down but the feelings right now are hurting so bad. i don’t wanna keep on with how i’m feeling, with how life is. it’s not pretty to me. i try and see the bigger picture but life isn’t for me. when i take any situation i’ve been in, it just isn’t for me. i haven’t been able to let things out personally because you’ve been so stuck in my mind i haven’t got a break , a minute of my day but i can’t hold it in like i do everyday. i had to tonight because of how exhausted i am i just wanna take my melatonin and hope to not wake up one more night. i’ll be back here tomorrow with the same s***** a** day with the same routine and worse feelings