Here comes the feelings I get at night again. This always happens after I hang out w friends. It comes crashing down. Especially when they tried to tell me to forget abt u. When they made the decision to take the flowers and convinced me to rip them and throw them. When they hyped me up so much that I’m moving on and yet when I’m home and the day is over I don’t have someone to tell me goodnight. This is another reason I’m moving on. I need to finally be okay with u not being here to wish me a good night sleep. To be able to be okay with u not being here to vent to or feel less lonely with. I don’t j want those things obviously. If I was just worried abt how I felt and my own concerns, I wouldn’t have forgave u for ur mistakes in the past and I wouldn’t have risked so much with my family for u. I j feel alone. I hate that my friends jump to conclusions and make u seem like a bad person. Ur not a bad person. U just make mistakes. U have a good heart but u don’t know how to use it which is okay because u r still learning but I can’t handle u making mistakes w me anymore. But u were a good person. U were an amazing gf when it lasted. I will never forget our first convo. How I asked where u got my snap. How U told me abt liking girls on ur way home from school and the convo we had When u were in bed. I also won’t forget seeing u for the first time. I dont know why but i teared up when I did. I was nervous bc I was insecure abt myself but u hugged me tightly. We went into the movies and u kissed my hand and I will never forget that moment bc that was the first time someone has made me feel special. I went home scared u didn’t wanna be w me and u told me u liked me even more and I was perfect to u. Little did I know u would leave me for ur ex. It’s okay tho bc u made me feel good at times. Then we got together again and u were officially my gf. I will miss the times u posted me on ur insta. No female done that w me. I will miss you hugging me. And as annoying as it was, I will miss u biting my cheek. I will miss u beating tf out of my back, pulling my hair and hitting my head even tho it pissed me off. I will miss ur spam calls. I will miss drives in the car w u. I will miss dancing w u to Spanish music and slow music, holding u close and showing u what it’s like to want to be danced w. I will miss how special I made u feel too. I was so proud of u and I was so so honored to have helped w ur depression. When u told me that u felt ur depression getting better I was so happy bc that’s all I ever wanted for u. I will miss screaming songs at u. I will miss biting ur nose. I will miss slapping ur forehead and I will miss cracking ur toes. That rhymed that’s so funny. I will miss late night calls even tho we had to stop bc my mom and the issue that happened. I will miss giving u gifts. I never got to give u flowers but I always wanted to. I was dumb to not have done that before finding out what u did to me. I wanted to get u baby blue ones bc that’s my favorite color, i know it sounds selfish but as much as I loved the color blue I loved it even more when it was on u. When U got blue nails for me it always made me feel so good. I will miss blowing into ur mouth instead of giving u a kiss. I will miss giving forehead kisses. I will miss writing u random paragraphs to show u how much I loved u bc it felt good to remind u that u were loved. I will miss watching yourube w u. I will miss watching tik toks w u. I wish I made more tik toks w u when I had the chances. Now that I look back at it I should’ve appreciated the times w u more than I already did even tho I already did appreciate them so much. But now that it’s gone there’s such little things I wish I had done more. I will miss giving u kisses at red lights. I will miss taking u to the lake to sit and laugh and I will miss playing basketball w u even tho u didn’t try to play back. I will miss getting spams from u that made me feel good. I didn’t ask for spams bc I thought you would like that but bc I actually loved them. U don’t know how good it is to look at someone u love, admire them, and appreciate them in ur life. I will miss guessing what food ur getting or drink. I will miss u telling me “guess what chicken b***” like a little kid. I will miss sleeping w u in the back of my car. I will miss sleeping next to u and waking up next to u like the nights at the hotel. I will miss the times I was so nervous to call u baby. I will miss the times I was comfortable w u. I will miss the convos we had. I will miss ur dog stickers. I will miss ur back massages. God I will miss the fckn times u said I love you before we had to leave each other to go home. I remmeber me telling u that my ex never said I love you to me in person and so u did it for me. I will miss how u were my bestfriend. How close we were and how I could trust u w every detail in my life. I have so much more I could miss and I will have times where I remember these little things and get upset over them bc that’s what happens when u love someone. But again no matter how good these little things are, the things u did hurt me too bad to go back to them. Like I said, you would HATE ME for the things I forgave u for. The things you are asking me to understand or listen to are things u would ignore me for. I know u r trying but I j fckn wish u did this before every single thing. I wish u did this before we dated. I hope u have ur happily ever after bc u deserve it. Tonight’s gonna be a hard on I already feel it but like always I’m going to fight through. I wish I could’ve kept the flowers but my bsf wouldn’t let me. No one has gotten me flowers before. Thank u for them, I told u I appreciated them without seeming too thankful for them but it rlly was nice. But no matter how nice they were, the hurt u caused can’t go away. As much as I love u, as much as I miss u, as much as I care for u, I j can’t wait till I’m over it all. I can’t wait to move on bc 1) I can’t handle this and there’s no other choice and 2) I can’t wait to have u in my life but in a healthier way as friends so I can be there for u and u can be there for me. I hope that happens bc I hate being strangers but I hate being whatever we were before even more. Take care
