I hope you are doing okay. I don’t wanna ask anyone if you are because I stressed that you don’t get involved w me so I won’t do it w u and ask any of ur family members if ur okay so I j hope u r. I sit and hope you realize that u r strong and u can get through anything. I’m having a rlly hard time the past few days w this and it’s been hard not contacting u so I’m sorry for flipping on u when u came here instead of texting me I feel rlly bad. I can’t apologize to u tho cause I don’t wanna text u like I said. I also don’t think you’re on here anymore so I started to use this again since ur off. I sometimes fantasize abt things too. Like being on my online class w u and laying w each other while we in our classes, being able to do things together and then I remember the whole point. I’m honestly scared. I’m hurt too. My life is going by so fast and I have to be w a man. So I don’t even want to start anything new w someone else bc i know I’ll have to end it w then since I can never truly be w a female. So I’m scared. I feel lonely bc I can’t be w a female. I feel unprepared and hurt. I know one day you’ll be happy w a guy or a girl and get married to them without a problem so I’m happy abt that. But then I remember I have this future that I maybe won’t be happy w and I get so miserable. U might actually be my last love before I end up doing what I have to do for my parents and religion. I wish we lasted longer. I wish u hadn’t done what u did bc I would’ve loved to be w u. I wish u hadn’t cheated. I’d give anything up in this world to change the fact that u cheated so I can just be w u. I’d give anything up in the girl to see the truth abt if u rlly changed but there’s nothing except me building trust and I can’t. I wish I could be cuddled again, I wish I could be cared for again. I also wish I could’ve been there for u again. I sometimes think abt u losing ur battle w ur depression and me finding out and how much that would destroy me. That not only I cut ties w u to move on but that I also didn’t do it quick enough to be back in ur life and still have u there in another way before it got worse. I get scared that you’ll do something to urself. I am proud u didn’t do anything to urself. I’m actually rlly proud bc i know that’s hard for u to do. I’m rlly proud u texted a hotline. So v proud. I hope it gets easier for u and me to go on. And I hope we can be in each other’s lives again without all the complications. You still mean a lot to me don’t forget that. I just have to get over the feelings and urge to come back to u bc as much as I miss the old times we had I can’t afford another hurt. I hope you truly do change tho and u end up w someone who will make u happy again. Or u can even be independent and love urself and be happy on ur own one day, I j want u happy. I know I was mean to u when I texted u here but it’s bc I have to be a little mean and serious for u to understand that I rlly am trying to let go. This was the only website I can rlly talk abt these feelings and thoughts bc my friends wouldn’t understand. They’d just bash u for hurting me so many times. U always say I don’t look at the good in u. I definitely do. Whenever another person tells me that u do nothing but hurt me I always tell them that u hurt me and u loved me beyond anyone else has. I j wish there wasn’t hurt. Do I regret us? No. I’m so glad We were together bc there literally was a time where I loved u so so much and cared and u did too. And u made me happy and I wanted nothing but to see and be w u everyday bc u were so good to me but a truth was shown and I can’t unsee it. I do see the good in u more than anyone else would. And don’t say that isn’t tru bc of the roles were switched, you would hate me for the things I forgave u for. U would hate me for the things I tried to understand u for. I try to understand why u did the things u did and that’s why I never cut ties w u before. And I still understand why u left me for another person but I j decided I have to move on first and then continue to understand and keep u in my life. This is j a bunch of s*** I’ve been keeping in the past few days bc it’s been the hard part of the moving on process. It’s probably only going to get harder for a while and I’m hoping I don’t break. I’m j letting it out bc I’m sure if I bottle it up I’ll do something stupid. U don’t know how many times I thought abt coming to ur house w flowers and chocolate when I’m not even the one who hurt u bc I j miss u like that. I j wanna speed over there and run up ur steps and hug u again. It’s so hard letting u go but I’m doing it. If u were in my life and I was in this process abt another girl you’d be proud of me for being this strong and knowing my worth. This is why I still want u in my life at some point. It j can’t be now bc I can’t handle the feelings. That’s all I have on the top of my head rn and I’m going to sleep to try and skip the late night thoughts but I am trying hard I rlly am
