My emotional pain level has been in the 6 to 8 range for years. Boring part first. I am in thr consulting business and lately I am being crushed by work demands by too many clients. Not enough time for myself and any newness in life.
I was never taught to say NO. Because saying “No” would invalidate my dad’s identity. His identity and sense of control were one and the same. Disagreement would bring out dad’s incoherent hollering. He was incredulous. He projected his shortcomings on me, such as clumsiness and mumbling. Wimp. I watched him die defeated and terrified because his identity was too weak in the face of cancer. He pretty much shut down right after the diagnosis.
How a dad murders his grandkids: Because he didn’t teach me to say no, I stayed in the wrong relationships for too long. Didn’t marry till later on, after dad passed. Dad thought I was looking for perfection, but that is what he expected from me. Is there even a word for such cowardice?
Now I see most authority figures as being on the verge of falling apart. Now I am afraid to tell clients to back off.
I can’t see my best friend anymore because her husband knows thst she and I made out. She would help just by listening. I will save that for another time.
I have much to be grateful for. Thank the lord I dont want to drown my sorrows in booze like my dad. S** and p*** can be a prison though. My life is stagnated. I dont see opportunity for personal growth. I feel claustrophobic. Friends are scattered. I can’t outrun this. I need faith in myself. I want to be rescued and I don’t think that is healthy. I want attention like a girl because that is how dad treated my sister.
Days pass like seconds. Too much of my life is not mine.
