College is so f****** annoying. It’s so much work and I already got my first bad grade and I dont know why because I worked hard on it. I’m so tired, I’m going through a lot of emotions and I can’t handle them all. Of course I’m going to keep pushing but it’s getting hard. Some day I’m good and others I’m not. I try my best to be strong for me and also for others so that I can push others to do good too. I’m going to keep setting goals, keep eating, keep doing me like I should. But sometimes it gets so hard that I feel so lost. My disassociation is getting worse too. When I drive I start to lose feeling in my body. When I sit and do homework I start to also lose feeling to the point that I have to start praying because it feels so horrible. It feels so scary to feel like you aren’t really there. I used to have someone to help me but they aren’t really an option right now so I’m just fighting through it by myself which I will get used to because I rather do that then depend on someone to help me. Plus they kept doing things that hurt me so I rather learn to help myself than rely on them just for them to hurt me and force me to leave again. I hope I get better and get used to college. I hope I get to start fresh one day and actually love myself and love the things I do. I just wanna skip forward into next year. I want to skip to graduation actually so that I can have my degree, go to law school, finish law school, and do all the good things I wanted to do. I can’t wait till I start to learn how to be more mature and finally get to have a family to love me. I just want to adopt kids and explore and love them because i know they will be the only people who genuinely love me back and will give me happiness like I give them.
