I have been considering suicide again lately.
I’ve tried a few times before, some half hearted…others serious.
I remember my last serious attempt was taking pills and going to sleep. I remember the cramps I read were symptoms of an overdose, I remember the urge to puke, I remember drifting off scared but peaceful at the same time.
I remember waking up the next day, disappointed. Resigned.
It’s been a few years since. I’ve been to psychiatric clinics, I’m in therapy, still. Was before that as well.
I’ve had success in many things, less so in equal amounts.
But I always knew since I was young, that I would kill myself eventually. I tried killing myself the first time at the age of 4 not even knowing what death was besides that I was told you were gone forever. And that is what I wanted more than anything.
Later I though I would most likely kill myself before I turned 14 years old. Every year since then I’ve cried on my birthday.
I’ve survived but I knew I would kill myself in either my 20s, my 30s or whenever I felt I was done with life.
Because after surviving I thought, I have no dreams for life, I have no ambitions. But there are things I like to do. So I will do as many as often as I like and when I’m satisfied I will let go in peace.
I havent been very peaceful. I am stuck in a situation I know how to change, I know there are options, there are ways out. I’m not really stuck. But my energy is running out.
I cant invest myself in my future anymore.
My therapist asked me whether I was thinking about suicide because she couldnt handle a suicidal patient, I lied and said no because finding a new therapist now would take more energy than I have.
I have thought about going back to the psychiatric clinic, but my father has told me that now that I’m 20 and with the changes in insurance we wouldnt be able to afford me doing such expensive things anymore.
And my father has been patient with me, saying no matter what I have a place in his house even if I never make anything out of myself, but lately he has been rather desperately trying to find anything that would make me leave.
I dont resent him for it. He doesnt deserve a person who he has to take care of until he can no longer.
But more than anything I dont want to be a financial liability. I cant do that. I have been a liability, I have been in the way, I have been an issue that needed to be taken care of.
But we grew up poor, we never had much and I will not be the reason we have any less.
And besides, if I die, we have good life insurance. If anything me dying would help my sister who needs money for her uni education and maybe even enough to pave the way for my little sister to go to uni one day.
I’m just out of energy. I dont want to find a way out.
I know this would disappoint the one friend that I have, having been through suicidality with me but I think he would also understand.
We long ago came to the understanding if one of us were to kill himself we wouldnt blame him for it.
His suffering is over and that would be respected.
And theres nothing more I’d like than my choices being respected.
I want to be burned, and sent along.
Whether it is to a new life, or nothingness.
Either doesnt matter to the me now, because that one is to be lost forever. And that is for the best. There was never a place for me in this world.
My mother knew it when she gave birth to me, resenting my existence, I knew it growing up. People around me knew it when they met me.
I was going to die early and that would be for the best