i’ve posted two other confessions on here today trying to let things out. this morning i wasn’t feeling well, this afternoon i was okay i was feeling like

6 years

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i’ve posted two other confessions on here today trying to let things out. this morning i wasn’t feeling well, this afternoon i was okay i was feeling like i’m doing things for the better and i still do and now i’m in pain again. i always get so caught up at night in what i’m feeling. the smallest things that happen to me make me think big. i’m so exhausted from the constant sadness. like i never get a break. i was laughing earlier with my cousin and all of a sudden i started balling my eyes out and she just asked me what was wrong with me because it’s not normal. i just wanna be left alone i just don’t want anyone to care anymore and i don’t wanna care anymore either i don’t wanna feel things anymore. but parts of me want someone to love me, someone to think that i’m worth it someone who will wanna check on me. and i love loving someone and seeing that i can make them smile. but i push everyone away anyway so one day i hope i’m distant with everyone that they won’t care what happens to me. honestly it’s been really hard without you and it’s only been a day. the amount of times i’ve been ready to send you a text but had to stop myself because you just want me to undersyand you and i’m trying my best. i’m certainly not an easy person but through anything i wanted to be worth it because i always do my best each day. i wanted you to see me grow and then give it all to u. even when your gone i still hold faith that i’ll do it all for you and we’ll be okay but i cry, i get sad, i hurt because i don’t know what you’re doing, how you are, are u better off without me being in ur life ever again, can i work hard for you or do i have to be kicked to the curb again. i try and talk to my friends about it but they don’t understand me. nobody understands. i feel so out of place. disassociated. i just wanna be in my room to cry and listen to my favorite song. i don’t want what life has to offer for me anymore not even the good. i’m not tired to even sleep but all i can do is put my phone down and stare at the ceiling and cry as silently as i csn because my cousins will be in the other room having fun. i don’t have my pm pills nor do i trust myself with it. a lot of the times i’ve taken more than the instructed amount but nobody knows that obviously. i went ghost again. this happened last time for months and nobody noticed but it’s okay. i’m okay. i always am. i hope everhone has better days. goodnight

New Confession

The algorithmic echo series After the red blood moon, 4 books on that, it a comedy series too. You might not want to read it in bed. Because you be LOL.

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My wife knew i was a recovering s** addict when we dated, when we married, and knew that it stemmed from childhood maternal molestation many years ago. She knows i will not act out, that i love her too much to do that to her, and she knows to the degree any non s** addict can how exhausting the onslaught of compulsive intrusive s***** thoughts are. But she still rejects my sincere well motivated desire for surgical or chemical castration and i cannot understand why. We have a platonic relationship so it would be zero loss to either of us.