I’m sorry. I say that a lot to myself when I’m alone because I don’t know other ways to cope. I don’t even know what I’m apologizing for when I blurt the words out the way that I do to myself. I guess I’m trying to express the feeling that I just want the pain of growing up and my other regrets to stop. When you apologize you’re supposed to be forgiven and the bad feelings go away, yeah? Maybe this will do nothing, venting into some stupid f****** site filled with crazy stories. But who knows. I love you dad. Love you mom. Love you, man. Wish I could be better than I am. Wish I was more emotionally normal and not a f****** overgrown teenager who can’t process emotions or feelings in a proper way. I wish we could have a family dynamic that wasn’t dysfunctional. I’m scared of losing you as I get older. I can’t even handle animals because I’m such an overly emotional sentimental fuckwit when it comes to change and loss.
Yui, I’m so sorry for what has happened. For you, my apology isn’t to cope but it’s an actual one. I’ve had an amazing time with you. I love you to death and like a spoiled child I want it both ways. There’s no way I’m right for you if I can’t be sure that I don’t want to f*** other people. You deserve better. Forever yours to be there when you need me, but you deserve someone who will step up, and I’m aware and love you enough to admit that maybe I’m not mature enough to be that man. Still, I miss you and wish I could hold you in my arms the way I used to. Maybe one day.
