In 1 year, I’m going to run away so that I can go to college.
I think this is the opposite of what many people experience, but I don’t think I would be able to get a post secondary education without doing it.
This is going to be more of a rant than a confession, I feel, but honestly I just need to get this out somewhere. I am seventeen years old and graduating high school in a little under a year. I live with my single father, and within walking distance of my aunt and uncle.
My aunt abuses drugs. Not meth or anything, but prescription ones that her immature doctors supply her with. Shes been on them for so long that it has given her severe mental illness and she will often violently lash out at those around her. More than once she has threatened suicide, and has said she will bring anyone who stands in the way with her. This of course, took a toll on my uncle. Long story short, he ended up manipulating my dad into living on his property as an indentured servant, which of course brought my underage self into the mix.
All of this has been really hard on my dad. The man who used to be a role-model now has anger issues that are often passive-aggressively taken out on his only daughter, who has no other family to turn to. My mother is out of the question, as from what I can tell, she does abuse meth. I don’t need anymore drugs taking over my life.
I try to help him where I can, but I also have my own life to take care of. I’m applying for colleges, keeping my grades up, and trying to start freelance writing. My dad’s expectations don’t make things any easier. Anything below a B is banned from this household.
A B isn’t terribly difficult, I can do that. But when you give me hours and hours of physical and mental burdens, forcing me to work both for my uncle and for your unnecessary personal projects, and refuse to help me in return, I can only do so much. You’ve given me ptsd, and when I go to you for help, you act like you care for a few days before forgetting a conversation even happened. Sometimes, you don’t even do that much. Instead, you make fun of me for being so soft and selfish. I didn’t come to you for criticism, I already have plenty of that. I came to you for help.
So, in one year, with the help of a pre-college program I’m attending, I will be leaving my home to go to pursue a better life. I will be leaving a note telling my dad that he can contact me, but if he mentions specifics or me coming home I will immediately block him. I know he has depression, I know that he loves me. I know how much this is going to hurt him, so I’m going to try my best to make it easier on him. However, I can’t live my life like this anymore. He has mentioned on several occasions how we are going to get away from this. But we haven’t, and I’m done waiting.
One teacher at my school in particular helped me make my decision. I’ve spent more time with her than I think is technically legal in the United States, but honestly I can’t think her enough for everything shes done for me. She is unaware of the role shes played, but she has helped me realize what family is supposed to feel like. Shes concerned with my grades, but she helps me sort them out. She has realistic expectations of me, and is proud of my achievements before she talks about my shortcomings. She spends quality time with me, and I help her with what she needs help with. Not because she asks me, but because I want to.
I’m hoping that wherever I end up, I can find a family. A real one, one that will not only care for me, but will show it. I get that no one is perfect, I should know better than most. But I want to be around others that accept that too.
This has turned up to be pretty long. So, I will end asking anyone who is reading this to please, if you have a family that you care for, please appreciate them. Tell them something nice today, whether its a compliment on their shoes or just thanking them for everything they’ve done for you. And for me, please tell them you love them.
If you don’t have someone you can tell that to, know that you’re not alone and you can get through this. Maybe not easily, but don’t forget that we’re capable of so much more than we first think. I’d like to think that 2 years from now, all of us are sitting at the dinner table with a group of people we care about.
Thank you for reading all of this, it means a lot that I’m able to get this off my chest. I hope you have a nice day 🙂
