It’s late and I can’t sleep. I am seriously scared. Everyone tells me how brave I am, that I am in love with someone who has a life threatening illness but I don’t think I am brave at all. Their health continues to deteriorate, and when I tried so hard to find some help, it almost ruined our relationship. I know he is scared, but he feels he can’t trust doctors. It says a lot when you live in a country that claims to be so “Free” and full of opportunity, that if someone who is suffering and has suffered for years can’t get proper medical treatment and they are basically told to suffer because they don’t have enough insurance, the right kind of insurance..or you’re too poor so s**** to be you. I have to idly stand by sounding happy, putting on a faux smile for him when on the inside I just want to break down screaming and crying. I am doing my best to stay hopeful, that he will be here with me for many more years..to fulfill those dreams we talked about.. but I wonder if I am telling myself lies, or if it isn’t crazy to have hope. I pray and look for signs… and come up empty. But seeing him fight so hard to live, maybe the only sign I need. I just.. want him around.. and I want him to be able to enjoy life with as little pain as possible. Is it wrong to wish for these things? I feel so helpless…
