I am tired of my parents treating me like I don’t exist. Ever since I could remember they only had eyes for my brother. I was brought up by a maid. No one remembered me unless they were angry in which case they screamed at me. Literally screamed. My dad he threw stuff while screaming and I tried never to piss anyone off but most of the time they weren’t even angry at me. They were just blowing off steam. Maybe my brother said something to dad or mom or maybe some office stress. Whatever. I was just their easily available punching bag. One more thing. I am pretty. So when ever we were out I was paraded about like a doll. Brought home and thrown on the self. I never got to choose what I wear as “I had a really bad taste” and mom HAD to parade me in front of people. I was 11 for fucks sake. Then in class 6th I won 2 Olympiads. My parents were happy. They noticed me. They praised me. I realised that maybe if I did well I could get their attention. So I worked hard. Topped my classes. Now my parents always boasted to their friends about my marks but all the difference it made was that there were 2 occasions when they acknowledged that I existed. When I got my marks or when they needed to blow off steam. Now my brother was a “troubled child” meaning that he is an a****** and only cares about himself. However he is disturbingly good at making people like him when he wants something from them. But otherwise he was a total p************. He once hit my father. He screamed at mom and dad at a regular basis, did drugs and god knows what else. Now I love my parents so obviously I wanted to make sure that I never did anything like that. I made sure that they did not receive any trouble from my end. From class 5th to 8th there was a gap of 1/2 an hour from 3 to 3 30 in which my dad invariably screamed at me. That was the time he had to get to work. He was unhappy at work so he was frustrated that he had to go. And I was there. Anyways. After my 10th grade exam there was a huge family feud with my aunts and uncles. A lot of stuff happened. Mom went into depression. There was a lot of stress at her office as well. So I took it upon myself to make sure that I kept her as happy as I could. I tried to keep her mind off of things. I made sure she talked to her best friend and her brother everyday. Again I tried to give them as little trouble as I possibly could. Now since I was now in class 11th I was preparing for my country’s toughest exam. Again for them. What I wanted was to become a pilot but they wanted me to prove my worth to the aunts who had fought with them. I was always a tool for them. The parading continued. I still don’t ever buy my own clothes. Now my brother was at uni when all the feud was happening so no one told him anything since “that would disturb him” I on the other hand was made of bloody titanium. No one ever thought of maybe how it would affect me. I was the one who had to make sure my mother didn’t f****** kill herself. Now new complication. I don’t know exactly when, maybe around november my brother raped me. I was sleeping and I woke up and..I didn’t say anything because my parents already had enough worries of their own but since I did not tell them he said that I enjoyed it and whenever he was home he would do it and still I never told them. Now I didn’t think I could. I self harmed had anxiety wanted to kill myself but obviously no one realised it. No one figured it out. Only reason I didn’t kill myself was because it would hurt my parents. And it really would. They do love me. They just don’t think about me. They never think what I might be going through because I am strong. They don’t realise that I am just glued together. That any shove will break me apart. So I did not kill myself. I made my brother stop somehow. Told him I hated it and stuff. But before that I was scared to sleep. I had my exams the next day. Had to wake at 5 but I would lay awake in bed till 3. Now I got my 12th result. 3rd topper of my school. My parents were angry because a friend of mine got 0.2 percent more than me. Now they are back on their feet. Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be killing myself tomorrow. I will be doing this for myself. I am tired and done. With everything. I do hope they forgive me.
