If I kill myself, it will have been because of the hell I’m living as a single mother with three unruly, violent triplets. They make my life miserable every day, and I try and tell myself that I love them so much that it’s worth the pain, but I know in my heart it just isn’t.
I was never cut out to be a parent. I never wanted to be a parent. The only reason I am one is because my devoutly Christian family would have cut me off forever if I didn’t keep the baby (which turned out to be babies) I conceived during a drunken mistake with my boyfriend as a teenager. My parents basically forced me to marry him just to spare themselves the public shame of having a daughter who got pregnant out of wedlock. Two years later, I caught him having an affair with his TA. He left me. And he didn’t even put up a fight when it came to custody of our kids. Now he’s a college dropout in prison for multiple DUIs and violating his probation.
I had to drop out of college too just to raise my kids. Every night I’m robbed of my sleep because my six-year-olds always get up out of bed at ungodly hours and cause a screaming ruckus like a band of infants. I live in constant terror of their screaming and their violent episodes and their constant disrespect no matter what I do. I’ve tried everything within my means, and now I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t know which will happen first, one of my boys killing another or me killing myself, but I guarantee at least one of those scenarios is bound to happen. I hope it’s the latter.
