Why do you think I’m here on this dumb board ? Because I can’t reach out. It’s not wanted. Sometimes it gets so lonely though I just wish I had someone to call just to even feel normal just to talk about normal things. It’s hard to be this isolated . I haven’t been close to anyone since it’s hard for me to make friends. It was nice having someone to call and talk to you sometimes. It was nice to take a trip with someone. That’s how rare those things are for me sometimes. But what I remember as these wonderful and amazing conversations… We’re probably just someone politely listening. But see I’m so stupid socially and lonely I don’t even know the difference anymore. I really did consider her my best friend and I do miss her dearly it’s not simply because I’m lonely. But it’s one-sided. She would’ve left even if this would’ve happened I would’ve been able to reach her. This is happened before I just wanted a friend so badly. Just human contact. People treat me like I’m stupid but I’m actually pretty intelligent . Well I’m socially stupid prude I have a mental illness trade I have BPD nobody sticks around in my life because of it. How much do I have to beat myself up just for being myself or for things I can’t always control? What is it asking too much just for somebody to care about me or except me through it I’m not even talking about her it’s just this is been the story of my life except no it’s really bad I’m completely alone except for that dude but because he has money .
The truth is if I mattered at all, or somebody actually cared back it wouldn’t be me always fighting or begging to talk to them. They wouldn’t be so ready to leave all the time or hold grudges like this. It wouldn’t of mattered what happened, or if anything happened at all it was an excuse to run. I couldn’t even get them to even talk even for just to have some kind of closer with the situation that’s how much they dislike me They’re terrified if they talk to me once all invite myself back into their life. Like I’m not much of a freak . No matter what people do I forgive them, I go out of my way to except people as they are. And I’m not perfect but I try so hard to be somebody that somebody could care about her went back and it never happens. I don’t even know why am rambling
It was just an excuse for her to run. She would have regardless. I meant nothing. And she sure as hell doesn’t want me around when she has other things. That’s just the story of my life I guess. I guess I thought if I tried hard enough I could make somebody think differently it’s just it never happens that way ever. I’m just so damn lonely sometimes.My God I was sitting here wanting to take a trip with somebody again he doesn’t even want my phone call. That’s how delusional I am :(. How lonely . How could I not wish I was dead . I matter to no one . It doesn’t matter how much I miss somebody it doesn’t matter how hard you try. I’m just somebody that nobody ever wants back.
