I hate my husband who I am currently and will be forever separated. I met him when I was in first-year of college and we were together 19 years before he had an affair during the first test to our relationship – lots of work travel for both of us, conflicting schedules, no time together. I felt disconnected. So did he. I felt that was normal since we didn’t spend anytime together and kept looking towards the end of the year when we could spend some time together. He didn’t recognise this and cheated. He lied to my face over and over. Looking back it was obvious and I didn’t want to see the inconsistencies to his stories, his changes in behaviour, the fact that he was mean to me. He was so mean to me, almost like someone I didn’t know – a mean stranger who just looked like him. I thought he was stressed or having a mid-life crisis and patiently put up with the gaslighting, cruel comments, disinterest. When I found out (he chose the worst time ever when I was in another country after I said I was feeling really alone, unsafe and depressed – he judged that as a great time to confess when I was going to be home in only 3 days. What a coward). He didn’t fight for me, he didn’t seem to care, he wouldn’t answer my questions, just told me that “it makes him feel bad to talk about it.” It was all about him and his feelings and I’m meant to pretend nothing happened. Every minute I spent with him, I felt like I was auditioning and had to be perfect. One day, I woke up, decided I could never forgive him, I didn’t like him and I was always feel an underlying sadness. I didn’t want to live with any of this or the anxiety of never trusting someone. I told him it was over for good. Now, my self-esteem is zero, I feel so alone in the world, I feel like my future has been stolen and I regret the past 19 years – what did I miss? How did I miss that he was capable of this? Was I asleep? I feel distressed that I have no love for him. Not the smallest piece in my heart. I now know what pure hate is and I cry for my past, my future and the fallout of his actions that ripped my world apart and, TBH, didn’t seem to do much for him. So, after 19 years, I wasn’t worth fighting for, making feel safe again – I am not wanted and feel isolated from everything. It is weird, I don’t want him in the slightest but I am struggling with the seismic shift to my world and a deep sense of loneliness and feeling broken and unattractive. This is all very hard to come to terms with as I have gone no contact for 3 months, have no wish to contact so feel so confused that there is so much PTSD after this… from someone I can’t stand now.