It kills me that I hate my first love who I was with for 18 years until he had an affair. He turned really mean during his affair and became a complete stranger. He had his affair last year after I got raped while travelling OS for work. I was struggling to deal with it, I didn’t want to be touched and had PTSD. I was working on it, am doing so much better now but he went and turned an emotional affair into a physical affair immediately after my attack. He didn’t even give me time to heal, not even the smallest amount of understanding. He gave me zero support or compassion. Between the assault and him needing s** so bad I wasn’t even allowed the smallest of time to recover, I now feel like all I am is a v***** to men – is this the case? I’m so fucked up and so sick of pretending I’m ok so that work, friends and everyone else feels comfortable. I’m so, so exhausted and want to f****** scream. I also find myself looking back for signs my husband was actually a narcissistic jerk all along – what did I miss all these years? I think he has always been quite cold and unsupportive. I wish I didn’t regret wasting my life since I was 18 with him and now cringing at the thought of him. It s**** to detest the person you had your most important relationship in life with because they shook your world even further when you didn’t think it could be worse. The thing that I hate the most, I use the same two words to describe how he’s made me feel and my r*** – ashamed and humiliated.