I cheated on my first, serious ex boyfriend.
I’d broken up with him once prior because felt like I’d lost my feelings for him and I also thought I had feelings for someone else so I broke it off with him. I entered a relationship with the other guy and we dated for about 5 months but I realised that I’d made a mistake and broke up with him. Not long after I got back with my first boyfriend and we dated again for another 7 months before my anxiety about us came back and I started feeling like I was losing my love for him again.
I went out one night with my work friends and towards the end of the night I made a stupid, drunk mistake and had s** with someone I worked with. It was weak and idiotic of me, the single most stupid thing I’ve done in my life so far.
I didn’t tell my boyfriend what had happened because I knew it would destroy him, but I broke up with him the next day. I couldn’t tell him, I was so scared of causing him even more pain, I was also ashamed.
He deserves to know, but I don’t know if I should tell him. We haven’t talked since we split 8 months ago.
I got what I deserve, the person I cheated with gave me HSV-2 genitally, so now I’m as physically disgusting as I mentally feel. I’ll never feel clean again and I’ll never be able to have a special someone again, just like I deserve.
My anxiety and self consciousness have skyrocketed, I feel repulsive.
I don’t know if I can recover from this or if I even deserve to recover from this.
The fact that I could do that to someone I care so much about, kills me. I hate myself so much.
I think about my ex nearly every day, I know I shouldn’t. He was everything to me for nearly 3 years, he helped me develop who I am and was the best thing that ever happened to me. How could I do this to him?
I don’t know how to move on, I don’t know what to do.