7 years
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I feel this paralysing fear. I don’t believe I deserve love. I don’t believe its something I am allowed to havee or feel. I can’t imagine it. I can’t imagine someone liking me as much as I like them. I can’t imagine a single situation where me confessing my feelings would give me positive results. Why tell them? Its not brave. Its not hopeful. Its not going to happen. Its impossible. Look at me. I physically don’t deserve to be loved. I don’t understand how it works with other people. I know people who when they discover crushes, they would stress so much over how they were going to tell them, but why? What do you get out of it? Only embarrassment, shame, regret and responsibility. If they were to reciprocate, what then? You start dating? Well what after that? You just go onto your happily ever after? You’ll break up probably, or if you don’t, and get married, that’s so much responsibility. So much crap to deal with. Its so messy. So you keep it a secret. Something to entertain yourself with for the time being. But then, what if you had told them? What if this was your fairy tale moment?

I don’t know. Whenever my thought process gets to that point, my brain just gives me a flat out no. I can’t imagine it, someone liking me. Someone thinking about me. I know this is utterly pathetic, I’m not trying to pine for a relationship or s**, or whatever. My main issue is just, the fact that I am not allowed, or allowing myself to imagine myself being loved. Probably an over romanticised (pun intended) social construct though. I mean, love isn’t going to solve my problems. I just, I guess liking some guy who’s going to screw my life over makes you feel more scared. I just wish I could believe that its not impossible to love me.

New Confession

My wife and I are small in stature, I’m 5’4″ and she is 4’10” weighs 78 lb . When she was going to have our second child the doctor sent us to King Edward Memorial Hospital in Perth because our baby in her 8th month had wrapped the umbilical cord around her neck. We met an interesting huge black man who was in Neonatal care in the US there who invited us to dinner at the Hostel he stayed at. He rubbed my wife’s tummy while talking after we ate, after while she sat on his lap. It turned me on to seeing her so small and pregnant so close to his enormous c0ck. While we stayed close to the hospital we visited him a few times per week. Each time feeling her tummy while she sat on his lap his hand drifted closer to her gnitals and b00bs. We went to his room when she was 9 months and three days, he said when she was that close to delivering she could take even his c0ck easily. I said “Baby you used to tell me you would like to know what a big c0ck was like, he is offering you that chance.” she said “What if you aren’t enough after I do it?” . I just said something like we’ll figure it out I want to see you at you’re best. It didn’t take more the 5 minutes after the conversation he had licked her pu55y and started stuffing 10″ of c0ck the size of a redbull can inside her. She couldn’t take the whole thing till she 0rgasmed 3 minutes into s** that lasted25 minutes the first time. While his 1oad was running out of her and he was sucking her nipple5 I encouraged her to take advantage of the situation and do it again. They let me record the next time on my iPhone , 34 minutes, we had a*** s** right after. I didn’t know they had s** while I slept till the next morning when I awoke and she was sleeping with him. When Our daughter was born three days later she said they had s** 11 times and she wanted to do it again before we went home. I agreed to more of their alone time. When Our daughter was two, my wife asked me for permission to be bred by him. I said if I can but a whole redbull can inside you then okay. She couldn’t take more than 1/2 when we started but she could when he bred her 4 months later, we have a 3 year old b******** son, my wife already s**** him off.

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