I’ve been trying to write up something to vent about for a couple of weeks and keep deleting it because of how pathetic I end up feeling once it’s partially written.
Every time I’ve had feelings for a girl it’s been unrequited. In hindsight I’ve realized that things wouldn’t have worked out in any of these situations. In one of them her rejecting me was absolutely a bullet being dodged. She want on to lead a pretty messed up life before drinking herself to death in her mid-20s. I feel constant hate towards her for playing with my emotions, but a lot of the anger is me being angry at myself for falling for someone with tons of blatant warning signs and ignoring them until after it blew up in my face.
The one after that was a much better person but things wouldn’t have worked out there either. I made the mistake of letting her know how I felt and getting an embarrassing rejection and ghosting. For a few years afterward I remained convinced that she was the one that got away and I was a victim of circumstance. I later came to realize that that was dumb, and a relationship wouldn’t have worked out. Now I’m left doubting that anything I feel is real. That I’m doomed to continue falling for women that don’t like me that way, and that I’ll do something stupid and make things weird between us. That I’m just not compatible with anyone and will die alone.
You see what finally snapped me out of the rut I’d been in about the second girl in this story was meeting the third girl. I think she honestly liked me in some way, and I liked her back. I don’t warm up to people easily it takes a while, but I liked her immediately. Being around her made me feel like a normal person who was capable of being loved by someone. But as we’ve established I don’t really trust my feelings anymore. She also had a boyfriend at the time so I was real careful to avoid doing anything even vaguely creepy. I really really liked her. But she’s now off somewhere else and has been for the last few years. I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again, and I’m afraid to reach out to her for fear that I’ll make tings weird between us because I’m wrong again or will say the wrong thing. It really hurts. I’m stuck in this unsettled state where I don’t know what I should do. I hold out hope that I’ll see her again and things will work out, but knowing my track record that seems unlikely. I suck.