When I was 19, my friends used to make fun of me for not having s** at all since losing my virginity. Eventually I started meeting up with guys just to smoke their weed and dip, but one day I came across someone I found really attractive. The only thing was that he was 27 at the time but I didn’t really care much. Me and him agreed to meet and he took me to noodles and company (yes noodles and company) and I was so naive that I didn’t see anything wrong with it. Me and him sat and talked a little then he kept trying to get me to go back to his place. I was hesitant at first but then I was just like okay whatever might as well since there’s nothing else to do. So we went back to his place and of course he was trying to f*** but I just kept thinking about how I had been wanting to have s** for a while and this was my chance. Looking back, the entire situation was sketchy asf and he had no respect for me from jump but I was too naive to see it. He didn’t even really try to ease into it I just remembered it all happening so suddenly. He had started kissing my neck then he told me to feel on his d*** and I’m just like I guess this is happening so one thing led to another and then like a minute later he came and didn’t bother to see if I was good. I remember it hurting a lot and I even started bleeding because my v***** was really tight since I’d only had s** once before and I still wasn’t used to the feeling. Afterwards, we kicked it for a little bit and by kicking it I mean he tried to show me music videos and he was singing and dancing and s*** but I wasn’t happy at all. Looking back I was really embarrassed about the whole thing and I just wanted to go home but I didn’t tell him to take me Ilet him do his thing until he was ready to take me. I went home and told my best friend about it tryna brag that I could get some d***. After that, he turned into a b********* and he would always come over my apartment late asf at night, like 3,4 etc. and he’d always be drunk. I’d get up out of my sleep when he called just so we could f*** mind you getting d*** hurt so bad I don’t know why I did that to myself. If it hurt I would just say to myself momma didn’t raise a b**** and I’d take it because I wanted to impress him so bad. I remember one night it was hurting so bad and he was always so rough and I was trying to tell him to stop but he didn’t. I just stopped saying anything and let him finish but I didn’t realize at the time that that was r***. Even after, I’d let him spend the night whenever he wanted. I did anything he asked me to. He told me to answer the door naked and wait for him until late asf at night I would I didn’t care. Then, one day s*** really hit the fan. He was extra drunk one night and he wanted me to drive his car back to his place so we could f*** there (he was coming from the club) so of course I said sure. Mind you I had waken up out of my sleep, was high, and wasn’t all that comfortable driving at the time. We had barely gone one block out of my plaza and I remember us arguing because I really didn’t want to drive and I pulled over. He told me to stop tripping basically so I was like okay and I got back into the car and started driving. Then, turns out I was driving the wrong way on a one way and a cop was at a stop light facing my car as I’m about to bust a U. He pulled me over of course and the guy said that he can’t get arrested and he can’t go back to the state that he’s from and all this other b******* so if something happens I gotta take the fall. I wasn’t that dumb I wouldn’t told the officer to lock his a** up but I told him to stfu and I would handle the cops so they asked wtf I was doing and I told them the roses were very confusing and it was really an accident and my apartment was right across the street (which it actually was). The roses on that side of town were complicated so I figured the officer would buy it and he did so he let me off with a warning and I went home. The guy never apologized and drove home. I stopped f****** with him after that for like two weeks but eventually we ended up back f****** I don’t remember how though. As soon as me and him had fell out I fucked another guy the first day we met but he was actually a good person so we bonded and he started asking if I wanted a relationship. I’d reply yes knowing that was a lie and I was actually using him because he would make me feel loved and let me stay in his apartment even when he was gone. His apartment was nice asf with a rooftop pool so that was good enough for me. Plus it was closer to my job and I liked cuddling with him and being treated like someone’s girlfriend. When he asked me if I was f****** anyone else I said no because that was the truth at the time. Also, during that brief period of me and the guy not f****** I had to go to the doctor because I had gotten a yeast infection, a UTI, and he bruised my v***** and I really shouldn’t have been having s** at all but I still let the new guy f***. He was more gentle and I don’t remember him ever hurting me as bad. So anyways, me and the fuckboy started f****** again and he’d come through drunk late asf as usual. Sometimes he’d call out the blue to ask when he was tryna link. Tbh that n**** couldn’t get enough of me and a part of me loved it as fucked up as that sounds. At the same time I was f****** the good guy and I thought I was the s***. By this point, I was very depressed and staying high asf all day everyday. The good guy didn’t smoke but he never judged me about that and I’m glad he didn’t because my ex used to hate me smoking. I was f****** both of them for about a month and then I met a guy at work. He tried to f*** with me while I was stocking aisles (i worked at a grocery store) so I gave him my number so he’d go away and I honestly wasn’t interested until later on he convinced me to link with him. I had to take Uber’s home from my job but he offered me a ride home and weed so of course I was down. We linked and I realized he was actually cute. On top of that he had a cool personality so afterwards I agreed to let him take me home again. While he was taking me home the second time he told me he had a girlfriend and I told him I was f****** two niggas and kinda talking to one. He framed it like that was somehow the same but I appreciated his honestly…a lot. That actually made me want to f*** him. I knew what was up the if we ever linked again and we did. That third time, we were chilling in his bedroom and he started to initiate but a part of me felt sooooo guilty like I knew it was wrong but at the time I just didn’t know how to say no and I especially didn’t know how to change my mind. He kept saying whatever he could to convince me and me being dumb I let it happen. I didn’t regret him at all because his d*** was so gooodd definitely better than anybody I’d messed with before so I was glad I did it at the end of the day. Mind you I’m still f****** with good guy and f*** boy. I had a whole rotation at that point and was proud asf because even though I had to do things I didn’t like for these niggas they all benefit me in some way. Fuckboy made me feel like I was irresistible, good guy made me feel loved and drove me to work and even cooked for me a couple times, and i got good s** from the cheater. Yes, I was losing pieces of myself but I was so depressed I didn’t care. Eventually, I cut off good guy because he would stand me up a lot and that pissed me off. Then, my last day in town before I went off to college fuckboy begged me to come see him one last time. He was asking me late and I snuck out the house at like 4am. Immediately I regret it because he stopped at a gas station to get condemns but it really bothered me that he bought himself a water and didn’t ask if I wanted anything. He had obviously been drinking too. We went to his place and he let me shower there and freshen up. I was putting on lotion and I decided to leave the door open so he could see then he came in there and started tryna f*** me on the sink. Then s*** went left. We moved to his bed and we fucked for two seconds then he nut and started sleeping. I told him I had to go back home and he told me to wake him up in a hour and he’d take me so yup I just laid there and waited for the timer I set to go off. Man I was so f****** stupid it makes me sick. After the time went off, we got int the car and he made me drive his car home while he was in the passengers seat criticizing my driving skills. I went home and I never wanted to see him again. I had to be up early so I got zero sleep the night before I went off to college, the college I wanted to go to so badly. I wasn’t even happy once I got there, I did notice how unenthusiastic I was and it kinda shocked me because I had been talking about that school for like four years. I went there depressed and alone but somehow I found people in my dorm to hang with. The transition was very rocky and I still smoked as much as I possibly could. I even got close to suicide one night. I took a break from s**, but I eventually made the same mistakes. I started f****** an athlete giving him the same treatment I gave fuckboy but he didn’t take advantage of me. Then, one night he recorded me on MY phone without my permission and me being a yes b**** I didn’t check him I decided we’d make a movie. I kept it and never sent it to him thank god. Then, months later he gave me chlamydia. Throughout that depression I fucked 8 guys, most of them the first day I met them. The depression lasted about a year. Most of them were assholes who took advantage of me and I let them. As far as the cheater goes, I started acting weird and never even initiated stuff but I let him f*** and I never said no. I let him f*** me on the floor of his friends place, i sucked his d*** in a movie theatre and people could probably see my a**, and eventually he just stopped replying to me. Maybe his girlfriend found out idk and i don’t care forreal. Fast forward post black hole and I met a guy in one of my classes and did thing somewhat the right way. We had hung out a bunch of times and I actually liked him so one day I decided I was going to finally let him hit. Then, that same night I was him hugged up on another girl but he spent the next day with me and honestly I didn’t want to be mad at him because a part of me was more mad that he wasn’t straight up than him being with another girl but I didn’t piece that together at the time. If you couldn’t tell I’m bad at expressing my emotions and sometimes if I can’t process why I feel a way I’ll act like I’m fine. So i let it slide. The next day we had linked at his place and we had started kissing but then something in me got scared. Like legitimately scared. I was high asf so I REALLY couldn’t process my emotions but they were very very strong. I had literally started shaking and got teary eyed so I went to the bathroom to calm myself down. I didn’t know why I was feeling that way. I really liked him and I wanted it to happen but I was so scared and confused. I walked back into the room and we started kissing again and I started shaking again so he was just trying to reassure me that we didn’t have to do anything. I was so embarrassed at that point I just wanted to go home. Looking back, he was the first person I’d messed with after that whole period and I think I had some pent up ptsd or something. I went home but the next day we fucked and strangely enough afterwards I was happy that I’d had s** but I was also disappointed. I always felt like I fucked up a halfway decent friendship trying to creep back into my old ways and to this day I wish we never fucked. So that’s the full story I’ve never told anyone and that’s part of the reason my trust towards men is so fucked up that I don’t even think I could ever get into a relationship. I also don’t trust myself because I’ve seen a very dark side of myself and I know that that will always be a part of me and I’m scared to let it back out. I still see it. Even though I immediately regret f****** the friend I still hooked up with him but it was obvious that I wasn’t even feeling it. I was also kind of scared to be vulnerable and that’s a no ko with s** so we just stopped. A part of me was mad that he wasn’t trying to f*** still even after I’d made up in my mind I’d stop fw him. Idk what’s wrong with me at this point but this is my little confession.

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