I’m a gay guy living in a homophobic country. For me ”falling in love” has always been a pain. I can’t confess nor i can talk about my feelings at all.

My first love happened in 5th grade. I fell in love with my friend who really kinda protected me from bullying and stuff. Back then I didn’t have any idea about s***** orientations but still we never got together maybe cuz we were far too young.

Anyways the second one was really successful. Happened in 7th grade, at this point I had realized how unaccepted my orientation is. I fell for this guy who always took care for me but i really didn’t like him in any way. I think i had eyes for someone else. But then our friendship started and we are hitting high on that puberty ride. I fell for him super f****** hard and soon enough my feelings were reciprocated. We held hands and touched each other sensitive parts (no not the g*******) during out classes but then for some reason my gay panic hit me hard and I kinda broke up with him. Maybe it was internalized homophobia idk.
One important thing is that we never said we loved each other but just touched hands and thighs etc. It was really awkward in the highschool for us after this.

aaand then the college happened. Unlike the last two times this boy never really had a conversation with me for like two years. I just admired him and stared at him for 2 years cause he was so F****** GORGEOUS like holy s***. We barely exchanged like 5 sentences in these 2 years but boi he was my dream bf but it never happened. One thing he had common with my last two crushes/loves is that he was polar opposite of me. Confident, outspoken and social.

Finally same thing is happening at university. I am again in love with this beautiful, beautiful guy who is just the opposite of me. I cant move on bcz i have to see his face everyday and perhaps get to talk with him. I should be more mature at this point but i feel like a little teenage boy again. Same old feelings of unrequited love, same old ”blank” moments when i’m around him.
The worst part is I always have fallen for straight guys, because there is no gay guy here. I don’t want to join some underground s** community to f*** men because my feelings towards boys have always been genuine and romantic. The reason my 2nd crush worked was probably because of our hormones and puberty stuff but now my university life has also been ruined by this restlessness of love.

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