I’m honestly just sick of trying. Every time I do I end up making mistakes, some of them minor hiccups, other times where I could have lost my job if they weren’t so forgiving, or even my life in one circumstance.

I’m also a terrible person who treats people like s*** because I feel better than them, even though deep down we’re the same or they’re just tryong their hardest by I’m projecting my own standards I force on myself to them. I’m a coward who hurts others emotionally and verbally so they have a reason to hate me, so I feel justified for hating myself. It’s a cyclical thing that makes no logical sense but I perpetuate it like an idiot.

I ised to be smart, clever, and fun. Had good grades too…. but none of that mattters now. I’m now pretty stupid, live hedonistic, and generally care little for other people’s problems. I jjst isolate myself. To shield myself from pain, to shield others from my grotesque nature, to just be myself even for a sliver of time…

But really I can’t do much. I lost my creativity and aspirations, and only go with the flow because the flow seems natural. Really it’s a waterfall decorated with spikes… and I won’t lie. They always end up being comforting in a way when I think about it. Though deep down I can’t. I’m too much of a coward to go through with it, the fear of the consequences… I may be still needed and loved by my loved ones…. but I hate everything about this world too much.

Had a girlfriend. She wasn’t the prettiest but I also wasn’t mature enough at the time to appreciate the finer details of what that meant… She ended up being physically abusive during and after the relationship, both to me and male acquaintances, punching us publically at school in the guts and g*******. She even went around my circle of “friends” as their girlfriend, one by one. But I was a weakling, and accepted her beatings as punishment for being such an awful person. Then she ended up choking me after prom the next day at school. The wrestling kind where you don’t leave hands but your elbows instead, so it’s allowed. Almost blacked out entirely. Only a random kid cared, but I dismissed him and said everything was all right. I was still in shock so denial was strong.

More and more I think about that day. My parents didn’t care as much, saying it was a learning experience. She wasn’t reprimanded or punished, and all my “friends”… well we never spoke again, save for the one who walked me home after he realized that that was wrong. If you asked her why…. I brought a condom to prom. Dumb kid thing, was promised s** a whole bunch by her, even though she was my ex. Believed her. She dug through my pockets and found it and wasn’t impressed. Later we talked and everything seemed okay…. except she never told me her uncle died, or that he turned asexual, or any other reason she told everyone else. And thus, I was punished for my ignorance, and felt the sweet release of impending death. Never had a real girlfriend after that, don’t want to put trust into someone that can easily get close to taking my life and not feel bad about it.

Ever since that day I’ve focused more and more on the injustices in the world, how people are treated unfairly, disposed of, and replaced easily. Like willing lambs to the slaughter…. and It makes me sick. I can’t muster any sympathy though, since they deserve it. The whole world deserves whatever fresh hell it makes… and I know that’s not a thought to be having as there are many people undeserving of such harshness…

But all I see if pain an misery. Death would be prefered, but there’s that little piece inside that still wants to help. They’re an idiot and should disappear entirely, since they’re in the way…. but I have no aspirations to speak of anymore to be in the way of. I just live hedonistic, and laze about after work. I hate it all and I want it to burn…

It’s so lonely and I’m so very tired of it all. I want it to end. The only true reprise I have is sleep, and that is only because it’s proceeding dreams and nightmares keep repeating themselves… but I still awaken tired. But there’s nothing I can do for anything, and anything I try will just become another mistake…. and I’ll hurt or get hurt again.

I will only amount to being a failure… and I hate it.