• 2 weeks ago
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I don’t want to hurt anymore
I don’t want to be myself anymore
I just want it all to stop momentarily
So I can recover
I don’t remember what happiness feels like
I don’t know why it evades me
I don’t know why everyone else can just live normally
And avoid becoming suspended in a depressive cloud that only I can’t get out of
I’m exhausted
Please let me go
I’m tired of it all
Everything is so difficult
Even the most simplest thing requires so much energy
Energy that I don’t have
Energy that I don’t remember ever having
I forget the way I used to do things
I forget the way I used to function, the way I used to be productive
Now all the days mesh together and they’re all the same day

I don’t know if there’s something I can take to make it go away
I don’t know if taking that will make me stray further from myself
I don’t know
It seems that these days I don’t know anything at all, really
Everything I say is wrong
Everything I do is a mistake

Living is heavy
It’s heavy and I’m forgetting how to breathe
I push everyone away to avoid pulling them into my mess
People don’t deserve that, you know?
They don’t deserve to be tainted by my own unhappiness
I don’t want to be a burden
To anyone

People say it gets better
They say that you will get through it
That there are brighter days ahead of you
That there’s so much to look forward to

But if I’m being completely honest
I don’t see anything at all
When I look into my future,
I can’t see anything
There’s not one streak of light

How much longer can I hold on?
I ask myself every day this same question
I tell myself to hold on
Hold on
Hold on
For one more day
And for what?
And for who?
I want it to be for me
I want to live for me
I want to be better for me
But time and time again, it’s for someone else
It’s for a different reason
It’s because people have expectations
It’s because people feel pain and I don’t want to be the cause

I can’t clear my breath.

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