i dont know whats wrong with me. i literally dont feel love or empathy anymore like a literal sociopath. i grew up adoring my mom and my brother and i used to always have nightmares about them dying as a kid. i used to cry myself to sleep thinking about all the suffering people have endured. i used to wish i could take the pain away from people. i dont know if its depression or what, but its like ibe completely changed. i dont like my friends and i never feel sorry for them. i feel like theyre too sensitive for me to be myself. i wish i had a group of friends that let me tease them and call them fags all the time with no hurt feelings. im not a kind or refined person. i think horrible things about people. im such a toxic pessimist. people who are too optimistic and cheery frustrate me. i feel jealous that im not as good a person as them. i feel like my friends dont like me either, and i wouldnt blame them if they didnt. i never see them anymore and they always have hangouts without me. in a way, it kid of makes me angry, but i dont have a right to be. i should have been a better friend and put in the effort of talking to them more, but for some reason i never crave their company. it kind of makes me feel guilty. ive been this way my whole life it seems and i feel like im missing out. i dont know how to make friends and i dont think i ever properly developed the skill. i think im too weird for a lot of people and i end up creeping people out without realizing it. i just want a group of friends that i can be myself around. friends that arent annoying, dishonest, clingy, or needy. i want a group of friends thatll tell me when im being cringey or awful, that i can trust with anything. ide rather have friends that are occasionally assholes than friends that are frustrating to be around. im scared that ill never manage to get into the perfect friend group. im too awkward and i dont know where to look. i dont know how to behave in a manner that is socially acceptable, so i just dont talk to people
