I’ve left the position of best friend vacant for 13 years. I went through some rough, largely self inflicted, experiences and he fucked off and let me go through them mostly alone. What I did was embarrassing and made me look kind of crazy but a true friend would have found some way to support me even if I bore a large part of the blame. He was my best friend, but I wasn’t his. I’ve never been the best friend. Looking back I can see a couple times he probably tried to cut me loose, but somehow I hung on. The last time I wasn’t really in any condition to fight for our friendship and if I’m right it wouldn’t have been worth it anyway. I’ve developed substantial trust issues now, and I wouldn’t say that any of my friendships as an adult are very close. I’m not really willing to waste time on anyone who might turn out to be the same caliber of worthless friend he was, and my paranoid mind often feels like that’s everyone sometimes. My not giving people a chance has kept me admittedly pretty lonely.