There’s a tree in my backyard and old oak tree about 30 feet tall. I go out and stare at the highest branches and think about hanging my self almost every night.
Yesterday I took a ladder and a rope out with me sat and watched the wind blow through the leaves. My wife came out in the yard to check on me because I’d been out for longer then normal she asked me what I was doing I lied to her saying I was thinking of making a tire swing for our kids.
She smiled and talked me into the house to watch tv. I feel so bad not letting her know that every day is a almost constant panic attack for me. The phone rings and answering it terrifies me dealing with people that aren’t my family or close friends has me paranoid about what they are think or plotting.
I don’t know why I feel the way I do or think like I do I’ve tried counseling ,therapy and medicine none of which work for long the only thought that comforts me is ending my life it’ll mean I don’t have to face the next day .