Would you rather loose your mind or die? I dont have a choice. Im going insane and its a slow painful process. Im to scared to ask for help but I need help. I dont want to be taken from my family. From my friends. I feel like ill hurt them if I dont get help some day though. I keep thinking randomly of different things like “I could shove my dad into this shelf and watch as hes pinned on the shelf bleeding to death.” or “I could use this knife to kill my mom.” or “I could just grab the steering wheel and kill use all” and worst of all I think of this s*** cause of “curiosity”. I think it started when I killed a baby bird when I was 4. It was so defenseless. I just picked it up and squeezed it until blood came out of its mouth. It screeched in pain every time I squeezed it and I thought it was fun. Iv killed maybe 7 baby birds. My grandparents knew about it but I guess they figure that I was just playing with it and it died, not that I was trying to kill it. I did feel sorry for them after though. It was fun until they died. I hate animal cruelty now. Apparently that curiosity wasnt forgotten though. Iv been wondering what it would be like if I killed something again… not any animals… but maybe a person. Would i like it? Would I hate it? Would I feel nothing? What would happen after? How would I react to a corpse? How would I react to a corpse I made? How would it feel to have held someones life in your hands and then take it away from them? How would I react to the strong scent of blood on my hands… On my clothes… On the floor… On the walls… god… I dont like that I think this s***. But iv always been so curious every moment of my life. Iv even gotten scars from my curiosity. You never know what will happen if you dont try it. But some things are meant to be left unknown. I cant stand the unknown. I cant stand the thought of hurting my family. If I ever do kill I hope its someone who deserves it. Not a innocent person.
